After telling you why the utility needs to raise rates — the reason is always something beyond its control and never because they want to make more money — the company says something like: "The increase to the average ratepayer will be $2.34 a month."

Now, I can live with paying out an extra $2.34 a month to keep the house warm, the lights on or the water running and the toilet flushing. Sure, it's more money that is added to the $3.95 that the gas/power/water people increased their bill the month before and the $2.56 the month before that. But like the monopoly pointed out when telling me about the latest increase: "You will see your rates increase less than what you may spend on your morning latte."

"Why," I told the Truly Unpleasant Mrs. Johnston, "I will just not stop by the coffee stand one morning a month to get that extra cash to pay for this increase. I should cut back on the caffeine anyway," I said, putting a positive spin on it.

"That means you won't have any lattes on the weekdays and none on every other Saturday and Sunday," Mrs. Johnston replied. "Don't you remember you already cut out those days when the heating bill was jacked up last year? Then you said you could pay for the electric bill by swearing off fancy-pants coffee every other weekend."

"Oh yeah," I said. "But this increase is only $2.34 a month. Maybe we can trim back on the grocery bill. I mean, do we really need to buy designer bread? There is nothing wrong with that bread the grocery store makes in the back room out of sawdust."

"We stopped buying designer bread two years ago when we got the property taxes and they told us we were living in a house we couldn't afford to buy now," Mrs. Johnston said. "Remember you said the tax increase was only $1.72 a week, less than a loaf of designer bread? But it turned out to be about $11 more a week, and that wiped out our bread budget."

(I must digress. I don't know the people these companies find to use as "average ratepayers" to show how much more the bill will go up when the increase is approved. I think they are people who live in caves with one 40-watt bulb for light and a campfire for heat.

(Apparently these "average ratepayers" don't have teenagers who like to stand under a hot shower until their skin wrinkles, a spouse who wants every light turned on when she arrives at home or a bunch of thin-skinned people who believe the furnace should be turned up any time the temperature drops below 80 degrees.

(If the utility folks used real people who leave the front door open during winter or run the dishwasher with only a dish and a spoon inside, then they would put out real estimates. But then they would have a problem with people dropping over dead when they read "the average ratepayers will see their monthly bills increase by $93.82 if they heat their homes above 36 degrees." It's been shown that dead people don't pay their bills regularly, so honesty wouldn't work.

(I'm through digressing now, and will get back to ranting.)

Eventually, the utility companies won't be able to say their increases cost less than a latte, I told Mrs. Johnston. "How will they be able to put a positive spin on the increase?" I asked.

"They'll say they are bringing families closer," Mrs. Johnston said. "The kids won't be able to afford to move out of the family home. They will have to stay in their old rooms until Mom and Dad die and they can inherit the house.

"The utilities can then advertise: 'We Keep Families Together,' " Mrs. Johnston said.