Like the department-store and shopping-mall magnates, Mrs. Johnston believes it is never too early to start thinking about Christmas. Although she has never said it out loud, I believe she starts planning for Christmas right after the presents are opened for the Christmas we are celebrating at the moment.

When we were first married in the last century, she liked to set aside the entire month of December for Christmas planning. That included getting the Christmas tree, stringing the lights, decorating the house, buying presents for everyone she ever knew and getting mad at her husband because he is such a jerk for not getting into the Christmas spirit.

(I must digress a bit. During the first year or so of our married life, I was working like a dog just to put food on our table. I came home on Christmas Eve after slaving away, and I just wanted to rest. But Mrs. Johnston said one of her 450 cousins was having a family hoedown in the foothills of Mount Pilchuck or somewhere, and she thought it would be a swell idea to drive several hours to attend this event.

(As I remember it, I told Mrs. Johnston that I worked all day and wouldn't it be nice if we spent Christmas Eve together, gazing into each other's eyes over a candlelit dinner. Mrs. Johnston remembers it slightly differently and claims I wanted to spend the evening lying on the couch, drinking beer and watching All-Star Holiday Wrestling.

(After all these years, I can't remember exactly who wanted to do what, but this event taught me something important about married life. If you're married to a woman who thinks Christmas is the major holiday of the year, just go along with her or you are dead meat for 20 years or more.)

While I like to get into the Christmas spirit at about 5 p.m. on Christmas Eve by making a mad dash to the mall, I have reason to believe Mrs. Johnston does her Christmas shopping all year 'round. I can only guess at this because Mrs. Johnston doesn't believe in telling me anything that goes on around our house.

She says if I know what is going on, it might upset me. But months before Christmas last year, she came home with a tall glass flower vase. It was so tall that she couldn't smuggle it in the house, so I saw it and asked her about it. I figured it was another tall glass flower vase for our house because I believe Mrs. Johnston's goal is to keep the tall-glass-flower-vase-makers in business.

So I was surprised when she said it was for one of her friends for Christmas. Because I'm not allowed to know what is going on in my own house, I have to put together clues dropped by Mrs. Johnston and the kids to get to the bottom of anything.

This is what I put together from this tiny clue: Mrs. Johnston bought a Christmas present for a friend in the middle of summer. Mrs. Johnston has dozens of such friends. If she bought this one friend a present, it stands to reason that she is planning on buying all her other friends, real and imagined, Christmas presents.

But because she is shopping in summer for Christmas presents, she is looking for good buys. And if she is shopping early for bargains, it means we are saving money.

When I told Mrs. Johnston that I appreciate her efforts to save money while at the same time satisfying her unnatural desire to shop, she looked at me and said: "Whatever you want to think is fine with me."

In other words, I still don't know what is going on.