Often the questions are numbingly predictable. "What happened out there?" is a familiar line of inquiry, along with, "What should you have done differently?" and the inevitable, "How do you feel right now?"

With cable networks expanding and new TV channels popping up daily, the demand for useless information to fill airtime will only increase. As the onetime coach of a fifth-grade girls' soccer team, I foresee the day when even this modest level of athletic activity will merit coverage on ESPN or CNN/SI. Here's a brief sample of what to expect from dads like me.

Reporter: Coach, your team looked out of sync. Any comment?

Me: They always look that way. They're 10 years old.

Reporter: Angela seemed tired. Is she hurt?

Me: No, but sometimes she gets distracted and starts pushing tufts of old grass into little piles with her feet.

Reporter: And why does she do that?

Me: Because she can.

Reporter: How come Clarissa was crying after she scored a goal?

Me: She thought her favorite scrunchy had gotten lost.

Reporter: What's a scrunchy?

Me: It's that elastic fabric thing girls use to keep their hair in a bun.

Reporter: And what was special about it?

Me: It's a Hello Kitty scrunchy she got in Japan. Luckily her mom was holding it the whole time.

Reporter: Wasn't there some other problem with that mom? You two were having an argument after the game.

Me: It wasn't an argument. I just thought her choice of Gummi Bears for the post-game snack was very peculiar. I think granola bars are more of a snacky item.

Reporter: So when you found out she had brought Gummi Bears, how did that make you feel?

Me: I should probably be more explicit with parents about these matters. Does that count as a feeling?

Reporter: Do you think your team's future performance will be affected by the snack controversy? And when the players actually saw the Gummi Bears, what went through their minds?

No, it's not a good scenario. I had enough trouble just getting 17 smiling faces to pay attention during soccer practice. Explaining the details to a roomful of armchair critics would be way out of my league.

Jeffrey Shaffer is a Portland writer and humorist and author of "It Came With the House" (Catbird Press, 1997).