Q. What's new? — A.F.

A. Glad you asked:

In response to the blockbuster and highly competitive merger of Nestle and 24 Hour Fitness, two Seattle institutions, Fran's Chocolates Ltd. and Pro-Robics Conditioning Clubs, are joining forces to form a symbiotic, entirely self-sustaining corporation. "It's a brilliant move," said market analyst Emily der Aprilscherz. "They'll never go out of business." The Metropolitan Grill and Cascade Bicycle Club lead the list of other potential partners.

Overeating or missing workouts soon may no longer be excuses for not being fit. Inspired by RU-486, scientists at Aprilsnar Institute in Copenhagen say they've developed three new "morning-after" pills. The RU-ASLUG pill revs up the metabolism as if it had gone through a 27-minute aerobic workout. RU-AWUSS breaks down muscle fiber via a mechanism similar to strength training; users must, of course, wait 48 to 72 hours between pills.

The day after dietary splurges, consumers can turn to I-8IT, which tracks down and zaps calories consumed in the preceding 12 hours. A drawback: In preliminary studies taking I-8IT was fatal in one in four users. The other three, however, seemed to think the risk was worth it.

Food consumed while talking on a cell phone does not count toward one's daily caloric totals, according to researchers at the University of Aprillipäivä in Helsinki, Finland. Apparently the electromagnetic field from the cell phone temporarily paralyzes cells in the stomach and intestines, causing nutrients to pass through the digestive system instead of being absorbed.

Those same researchers suspect that cell-phone dining while also driving may actually burn calories, especially for those with road rage. They plan to test that hypothesis locally, with a study based on interviews with drivers while they're navigating the Mercer Mess.

Citing their discovery of original notes for Aesop's fables dating to the 6th century B.C., Japanese archaeologists from Bangusetsu University now believe that the hare did indeed beat the tortoise. They say earlier reports were misinformation spread by proponents of the SuperSlow training technique. The lead archaeologist also announced he had recently lost 10 pounds of fat and gained 5 pounds of muscle using the intense "Body For Life" program.

The unprecedented success of the Just Fitness club has prompted the new chain to accelerate its nationwide expansion. Unlike the many fitness centers that count on people joining and then never showing up to exercise, Just Fitness accepts payment only as members reach mutually agreed-upon goals, such as attendance, weight or fat loss, and muscle gain. For more information, go to www.onlyinyourdreams.net

Giving new meaning to "muscles I never knew I had," doctors at Balatro Medical Center in Rome have uncovered a previously unknown muscle group. Running from deep beneath the rectus abdominus to near the rhomboids between the shoulder blades, the muscles apparently control the ability to both suck in the gut and stand up straight. They're being called momus wuz rightis.

A scientist who contributed to the discovery that ulcers are caused not by stress but by a bacterium has identified a germ that he says causes people to be overweight. Ebrill Cuall of Wales says a simple round of antibiotics should eliminate the organism, allowing everyone to become lean and happy as long, he said, as they eat moderately and exercise regularly.

Dogs are often good for their owners' fitness because of their persistent need for a walk or run. Now a hot new club in Ireland has found a way to use family pets for strength training as well. The program actually is inspired by the program of Milo of Crotona, a 6th-century B.C. Greek athlete who is credited with inventing progressive resistance exercise when he began lifting a calf every day, building his strength as the animal grew.

Novices at the trendy Amadán Aibreán Fitness Club in Westport begin with Chihuahua puppies and progress through Jack Russell Terriers, Australian Shepherds and Basset Hounds, aspiring to be able to handle Newfoundlands.

The only problem is what to do with all those leftover Chihuahuas.

Molly Martin finds fun in her work as assistant editor of Pacific Northwest magazine.