Time's Up
Out of the baths of babes evolve the showers of teens

WHEN THE Johnston children were babies, trying to bathe them was a battle.

We would fill a plastic tub with warm water and try to stick them in it for a good scrubbing. But all four of their limbs would stick straight out and they would scream like we were trying to drown them.

There is nothing as slippery as a soapy, squirmy naked child fighting to stay out of bath water.

That was when hot water was affordable and the Johnston children were really children.

Now the Johnston children are teenagers and have discovered long hot showers. At the same time, their father has discovered how much it costs to heat up the water for those long hot showers. It is going to cost even more with utility rates going up.

(Has anyone noticed that when the gas company or the power company raises rates, and they say it will cost the "average" family only $10 more a month, your bill actually goes up $40 or more a month?

(I figure Seattle City Light or Puget Sound Energy are using a family of gophers for their "average." Gophers are those furry creatures who live underground and don't use much light, heat and hot water. But I digress . . ..)

I figure teen-age children don't have as much skin to scrub as a middle-aged father, so why does it take them three or four times longer to take a shower? Granted, I don't have as much hair to shampoo, either. But I do shave in the shower and I am still able to get in and out in the time it takes the children to get the water adjusted to the perfect temperature before they even climb in.

I have a built-in timer that starts running the minute I hear water flowing in the house. It doesn't matter what part of the house I'm in, I can hear water flowing through the pipes and money flowing out of the household budget.

I can also hear the gas and water meters clicking. I can even hear those folks at the utility companies giving each other high fives as they add up the bills.

I don't expect the kids to take two-minute showers (well, I would like that, but I am realistic) but after hearing the water run for 10 minutes, I start knocking on the door.

The kids used to fall for this and turn off the shower to see why someone was knocking on the door. Now they know and they always say the same thing: "I just got in!"

Five minutes later when I start knocking on the door like cops on a drug bust, the showering child will shout back that he or she will be out "in just a minute!"

Another five minutes goes by (at least it seems like five minutes; time flies when it's costing you money) and I start rattling the door, screaming that I'm coming in to turn off the shower myself if they don't, RIGHT NOW!

That does the trick. The water goes off and we have a muttering teenager.

If I thought it would do any good, I would show them the gas and water bills. But that would have the same impact as showing them the grocery bills.

I've found children believe that food, like hot water, is provided free. You just need to open the refrigerator door or turn a handle. They only find out the truth when they move out.

Steve Johnston is a retired Seattle Times reporter who now spends his free time bothering his wife and children.