If you can check it, American probably has a fee for it

So, you think you have it bad, what with new, increasingly painful airline baggage fees almost daily? Second-bag fees, first-bag fees, carry-on fees?

Quit your whining. I have to pay those fees and an extra $100 just to travel with my javelin.

OK, so I don't actually own a javelin, much less travel with one. But I know for sure that if I did, it would cost me a C-note to get one on an American Airlines plane. I know this because the airline has a policy for it. Really.

Under "Updated Checked Bag Fees" at the airline's Web site (www.aa.com), there is a chart that details fees and policies for checked luggage that includes, among other things, a javelin. It states: "Javelin: $100 in addition to the applicable checked baggage fee, based on the number of checked bags."

Who knew? Are the members of the Association of Javelin Throwers Against Tremendous Expenses (AJITATE) aware of this hidden fee? (OK, there isn't really such an association, but if there were, I know its members would be outraged.)

I found the chart while making arrangements for a trip that will require carrying everything with me. With seven flights on four airlines, three hotels, two rental cars, an antique schooner and a once-a-day ferry to an obscure island — all with minimal slack in the schedule — I was forced to compare the cryptic and seemingly random requirements for carry-on luggage for each airline involved.

While browsing American's site, the chart popped up and I couldn't take my eyes of it. Javelins, it turns out, are not the only extra-cost item; there are similar regulations and fees for wakeboards, scuba gear, bowling balls, archery equipment ("one bow, one quiver, arrows and maintenance kit"), windsurfing gear and, believe it or not, hang gliders.

The idea of bringing a hang glider on an airplane seemed like a warped logic problem for Mensa applicants, but also I noticed the fee: $100.

Wait. How can a simple fiberglass spear that weighs less than 29 ounces cost the same to check as luggage as a hang glider, "an unmotorized foot-launchable aircraft" with a 20-foot wingspan? (Thank you, Wikipedia.)

Note to hang-glider pilots: Sure, laugh now. But a thrown javelin can reach 70 mph. How fast can you fly?

There are a few other surprises in the chart, including specific rules for "shooting equipment." Each shipping case cannot exceed three rifles and shotguns or five pistols and revolvers, as well as a shooting mat, noise suppressor, tools and (wait for it) 11 pounds of ammunition.

Eleven pounds of ammunition? Not nearly enough to take over a Central American country — unless you check in a second case, which allows you 11 pounds more.

The cost? The same as for all other first- or second-checked bags. In a contest between javelins and guns (sounds like the Falklands war), it's cheaper to tote around five Glock 9s and 11 pounds of ammo. (I guess the Mercenary Union has more political clout than AJITATE.)

Another quirk in the chart: You can check as luggage a pair of oars — but not a kayak, boat, scull or canoe. (Maybe they're special hang-gliding oars.)

Also unwelcome on the plane: Pole-vault poles, presumably because the cargo hatch isn't long enough. (Either that, or if there's a crash landing, the folks at the airline doesn't want a 20-foot carbon fiber shish-kebab skewer bouncing around the plane. Can you blame them?)

But the most head-scratching item on American Airlines' chart — a document probably compiled by a sober, tie-wearing expert with an advanced degree in engineering — is antlers.

Antlers checked as baggage "must be as free of residue as possible," the policy states. "The skull must be wrapped and tips protected." Also, the antlers cannot exceed 70 pounds or 115 inches across — roughly 9 ½ feet.

Does it apply just to deer or anything with antlers? Moose? Elk? Endangered Arabian oryx? More important, why exactly isn't the decomposing head of a deer or moose considered carrion luggage? Cost: $100.

Eventually, it occurred to me that the number of people who own javelins, no less the number who have occasion to travel with them, cannot possibly be in the thousands. And yet, by having thought out the specific requirements for flying with one (and the fee, of course), American Airlines is showing us an impressive level of preparedness — that apparently is unobtainable for more trivial matters, such as on-time flights, customer service and hedging fuel costs.

With the airlines trying to convince us that (fee-wise) the first bag is the new second bag (and having about as much success as baby boomers trying to make us believe 70 is the new 50), it's only a matter of time before flying with javelins — or bowling balls or severed elk heads or, frankly, the clothes on your back — becomes cost prohibitive.

There is a silver lining. A local guide in remote Newfoundland told me the route I'll be driving on the upcoming trip should take about five hours — give or take an hour for moose. And while I won't have a trusty javelin for protection against moose, if I accidentally hit one and survive, I know now how to get the antlers home.