Ferry riders, revealed: plenty of strange trips

Washington State Ferries, always on the cutting edge of customer service, has conducted a new survey of riders that revealed some startling results.

Like: The Bremerton-Seattle and Bainbridge-Seattle runs had the highest number of walk-on passengers.

You think?

With that sort of hidden gem spurring us on, we chased away a flock of Ivar's-fry-seeking gulls from a Dumpster out behind Colman Dock and found the rest of the survey tally sheets, which reveal a much broader picture of the average ferry rider:

• 87 percent of passengers said they would "rather bore holes through their own skull with a power tool" than ride the Bremerton-Seattle run late at night.

• More than half the riders on early-afternoon runs between Seattle and Bainbridge wore sweater vests and designer eyewear; two-thirds of them were too embarrassed to answer questions about household income or working hours.

• Riders on the Fauntleroy-Vashon route were most likely to push wheelbarrows full of compost on and off the boat.

• Clinton-Mukilteo passengers, by a measure of more than two to one, were more likely than the average rider to be wearing hip waders.

• Riders from Port Townsend to Keystone were far more likely than other state residents to classify a ferry ride as part of a "broader, mind-altering trip" possibly including the use of controlled substances.

• A solid majority of riders systemwide admitted to having wondered, at least once, "Who in the world is driving this thing?"

• 99.9 percent of passengers said they would stop riding ferries altogether "immediately or in the near future" unless tollbooth operators stopped handing out stupid $2 bills or 50-cent pieces as change.

Other subjective reasoning:

You Can Put Lipstick On A Pig: But it'll still smell like Karl Rove.

Velveeta Futures Plummet: Putting its global reach to work right in its own backyard, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation announced a new child-nutrition effort: The Edmonds School District Deadbeat Parents' Cheese-Sandwich-Relief Campaign.

Blah, Blah, Blah: Nothing says more about the present mental-midget status of national media than the hordes of gasbags who breathlessly went live with the Obama lipstick quote, which they admitted was not newsworthy, yet insisted they just "had to put out there" — because everyone else was.

Attention, Mike Holmgren: We are not among those who watched the Buffalo debacle and concluded that the game has passed you by. But dude: That guy over there, on the far sideline? He's an eligible receiver.

Speaking Of The Seahawks: The rumor is that Paul Allen is going to take the flagging franchise public. Not because he needs the capital; just to make the people over at WaMu (motto: "Sell! Sell! Sell!") feel like they're not alone.

Nice Punt: The Defense Department, in an attempt to ensure fairness in its awarding of a controversial, $40 billion Air Force tanker project, has put the entire thing on hold until the White House is occupied by Sen. John McCain, R-Thritis, who absolutely, positively hates Boeing.

There She Goes Again: Republican veep candidate Sarah Palin, R-Ski-Doo, continues to insist she's an expert on energy, because her home state of Alaska produces oil. It's like saying you're an expert in big blue tarps because you live in North Bend, or a Châteaubriand connoisseur because you live in Laurelhurst.

On Second Thought: Perhaps she has a point there.

And Finally: Just admit it — no matter whose side you're on, you saw McCain and Sen. Barack Obama standing shoulder to shoulder at Ground Zero Thursday and confessed, quietly, to yourself that whoever wins, we'll all be far, far better off the next time disaster comes calling.

A section and Thursday's Northwest Weekend section. Email: rjudd@seattletimes.com