It's time for Seattle's secret weapon: Jesse Jones

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a solution. We only wish we'd thought of it sooner.

The city made a deal, fair and square. It's on paper. And now some ne'er-do-well out-of-towner, Clay Bennett, says he won't honor it.

Seattle has two choices:

• Spend millions in legal fees attempting to get proven-liar Bennett to live up to his word (we've seen where that's getting them).

• Do what any of the rest of us would: Dial 877-51-JESSE, and unleash Jesse Jones, the newly appointed KING-5 News consumer enforcer, on that whole pack of skulking Okies.

If his recent performances dealing with shady contractors and bilking salesmen are any indication, Jones, with a trademark style only slightly more subtle than Mr. T., would have Bennett on his knees, begging forgiveness and giving back the Sonics — and probably a lot more — in about 15 minutes.

Unlike what passes as the modern NBA, it's something people out there might actually pay to watch.

Other News Fantasies:

Surely He Jests: In what would have been a laugh-out-loud moment in any other venue, author Sherman Alexie, appearing as a witness for the city in the ongoing Sonics trial, compared NBA players he watches at KeyArena to "Greek gods." Shouldn't someone have reminded him he was under oath?

He Never Saw This Coming: Alexie had barely finished speaking when Greek god Zeus, explaining that he has seen Sonics forward Chris Wilcox attempt to play defense, filed a defamation suit.

(Expired) Artistic License Dept.: The world's first monument dedicated to enema treatments — "three angel-like children carrying above their heads a big pear-like enema" — has been unveiled at a health center in the southern Russian town of Zheleznovodsk. Does anyone else have the sinking feeling this thing eventually will wind up in Fremont?

The Week's Survey: Nearly 90 percent of Canadians support a ban on the use of cellphones while driving. But a solid majority still thinks it's OK to drink Molson and eat Timbits.

Unseemly Projectile News: A woman is suing Victoria's Secret after a decorative metal piece on a thong she was trying on flew off and hit her in the eye. Turns out those priests and other moralists might have been right all those years: Those things really can make you go blind.

Still Failing To Get It Dept.: Former New York Mayor and Miserably Failed Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani, R-Vera Wang, has accused Sen. Barack Obama of having a "pre-9/11 mindset." Giuliani is right. And that's exactly why both men are where they are today.

Obama On Osama: The Democratic presidential candidate emphasized that the U.S. should go out of its way to avoid making a martyr of Osama bin Laden. Bush administration officials proudly pointed out that they're way ahead of him there.

You May Well Be Sleeping On The Solution: President Bush, moving swiftly to prop up a U.S. economy crippled by high fuel costs, announced he will ask Congress to overturn the ridiculously prohibitive in-home drilling ban.

Foot Loose Update: A sixth foot found on the shore of coastal British Columbia turned out to be an animal paw in an athletic shoe. Some people are calling it a hoax, but Mounties are keeping their eyes open for a dog struggling to finish a marathon on only three feet.

Quote Of The Week: "Our win totals have become more minuscule." — Mariners interim GM Lee Pelekoudas, on why manager John McLaren, deemed fit to lead the team a week ago, suddenly became expendable.

And Finally: KING-5 News is advertising a new green-news segment, "Environment Northwest." It's sponsored — and you could look this up — by Weyerhaeuser.

A section and Thursday's Northwest Weekend section. Email: rjudd@seattletimes.com