From cha-cha to ha-ha: "Dancing With the Stars" premiere full of steps and missteps

At long last: "Dancing With the Stars" is back in all its glitzy glory. But just in case you missed any of the best steps — or missteps — of Monday night's two-hour season premiere, here's a quick recap:

Smoothest move: Gilles Marini, a.k.a. the "Sex and the City" naked beach-house guy, let his fingers do the walking down Cheryl Burke's cleavage at the end of a ridiculously slinky cha-cha. That crashing sound at the end was every woman in the theater collapsing to the floor in a dead faint. He's in the lead, not that anyone was conscious to notice.

Clunkiest gesture: Steve Wozniak's jazz hands, and, well, Steve Wozniak's everything else in a cha-cha so inadequate it wasn't even a cha. But he was having more fun than anyone else on the floor, and won me over by adorably observing in rehearsal "A lot of dancing is sort of analog."

Scariest costume: Melissa Rycroft (the recently jilted bachelorette from "The Bachelor," brought on as a last-minute replacement for the injured Nancy O'Dell) wore a turquoise sequined latticework gown that seemed to be attacking her upper torso, tastefully accessorized with a matching sparkle tattoo.

Edyta Nudity Scale: Moderate — a sequined bikini top, tiny skirt, and random floaty scarf thing.

Best Tom Bergeron moment: Numerous — the Dr. Evil pinky homage (when introducing Denise Richards, for some reason), the smooth little jump with which he would punctuate the post-commercial orchestra fanfare, and his comment after Wozniak's dance: "Take that, Bill Gates!"

Worst Samantha moment: Did she really ask Cheryl Burke, partner of the aforementioned Marini, "Was it hard?" To which Burke replied, "No it wasn't," and Marini said, "Yes, it was?" And were they talking about the dance, or something else? Or did I hallucinate the whole exchange?

Most impenetrable judge's comment: Bruno, upon viewing rodeo athlete Ty Murray's very, um, laconic cha-cha: "What am I grabbing? Is it the bull? Is it the cow?"

Omen of impending doom: She doesn't have any trouble on a balance beam, but 17-year-old gymnast Shawn Johnson couldn't make it down the show's grand staircase (a new feature this season, and very Vegas) without tripping. She recovered nicely later with a smooth, mature waltz.

Moment of unexpected poignancy: Steve-O, upon finishing his dance without major calamity: "I just wanted to put my foot in the waltz's butt."

Best shout-out: Lil' Kim dedicated her (quite snappy and swivel-hippy) cha-cha "to all my girls in the federal detention center."

Spray-tan overdose watch: Lacey Schwimmer, Steve-O's partner, who's looking a bit orange this season.

Who will go? Though Wozniak's at the bottom of the heap, he's far too endearing to go yet (and besides, he's got all those computer geeks hacking the system for him). Most likely Belinda Carlisle, who looked terrified during a glacial-speed waltz, or Murray, who is clearly not going to start a rodeo-to-ballroom trend.

Moira Macdonald: 206-464-2725 or mmacdonald@seattletimes.com