New "Gladiators" just can't joust with the original

I vividly remember the Friday night in the fourth grade when a friend and I set out to create our very own "American Gladiators" arena for our action figures.

Just as Nitro and an Average Joe squared off on "Gladiators," G.I. Joe squared off against another G.I. Joe in our home-rigged versions of Human Cannonball and The Wall.

Normally, I would not confess such things in public. What happens in fourth grade stays in fourth grade.

But with the return of a new-look "American Gladiators," I've been thinking about how the show used to be.

New or old, the show has been a hit in the past year.

It was the outrageous popularity of old episodes aired on ESPN Classic last year that persuaded NBC to bring back a new version with hosts Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali.

It's all in hope of luring a new generation. And it has worked.

The Jan. 6 debut show drew 12 million viewers, making it the largest debut for NBC since "Heroes."

Given the current state of TV — sports do well, people will watch other people compete to be the next anything — a new "American Gladiators" seemed like a no-brainer.

But still, as I watch this new "American Gladiators," the fourth-grader inside me weeps a little bit for the days of Mike Adamle and Atlasphere.

It's not that the concept has changed. It's still everyday people competing against Goliaths in physical challenges of all sorts — from the pole-pounding Joust to the strength-and-speed-required Gauntlet.

But the product is a bit of a downer. It's littered with current reality-TV clichés. Bad cuts to commercials as events are about to start. Not-so-slick editing. And past-their-prime celebrities.

If you thought Hulk Hogan's VH1 reality show "Hogan Knows Best" was painful to watch, dude, then watching him try to interview competitors in front of his Gladiator-maniacs will make you want to stab your eyes with Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake's shears, brother!

Hulk: "Dude! Are you gonna give this all you got, brother?"

Competitor: "No, Hulk, I'm just gonna take it easy this time and let my opponent win — you know, like you did at WrestleMania VI."

Oh, how I wish the blabbering was even that interesting.

Instead, we get more drab dialogue than a "Real World" confessional.

That aside, I still find myself rooting each time for the underdog to whiz past his or her opponent in the show's finale, The Eliminator — even if the new version is too long and doesn't have Gladiators waiting to rough up a competitor who bursts through the final wall before at finish line.

But at least the 28-year-old me tells the weeping-fourth-grade me that watching the new "American Gladiators" is way better than watching "American Idol."