Kay McFadden / Times staff columnist
A Super Bowl primer for everything but the game

	MONSTER.COM It's not an ecstatic Super Bowl viewer; it's Monster.com's new "Feel the Love" commercial, which debuts during the game.
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I intend to watch Super Bowl XXXVIII, and I do mean Super Bowl XXXVIII. Having lived in New England and in Charlotte, N.C., hometown loyalties dog me from every direction.

Under these conditions, it's impossible to review new commercials. Because when you are really watching, there are eyes for the play and fingers for the food, and they collide head-on at the intersection of laptop and Budweiser.

Even bathroom breaks pose a problem. While research indicates viewers increasingly go potty during the game rather than miss the latest gem from Monster.com or Ford, a devoted fan still waits until the sponsored timeout.

Make no mistake: The Super Bowl is a war of retention.

That goes double for the advertisers that paid CBS a record $2.3 million per 30-second spot to make an impression this year.

Hoping to imprint, they do their best to entertain. Their efforts have helped put a mere television event on par with the birth of our nation and the birth of Christ as a Top 10 reason to party.

Nevertheless, the most opportunistic product of the week won't be on the screen come Sunday.

	AP Jeff Probst will host "Survivor: All-Stars" on Sunday.

It's the Petrotech Odor Eliminator, billed as an all-natural, unscented product that eliminates odors, the type generated by a TV critic and her friends consuming gassy drinks and fast food for several hours while delaying the call of nature.

Petrotech's advertising budget apparently only stretched to an e-mail pitch, the gist of which was, "Super Bowl parties can get quite stinky."

Tell it to CBS. With phone lines jammed by callers and Democratic lawmakers protesting the network's refusal to air a spot from the liberal group MoveOn.org, CBS went on the dee-fense.

In a statement released Wednesday, the network said its policy against so-called advocacy advertising is "decades old."

That phrase is devised to shred notions that the network is cozying up to the White House and the Republican-controlled Congress at a time when both are pushing to allow the expansion of media companies such as Viacom, CBS's parent.

Furthermore, said CBS, the policy "is designed to prevent those with means to produce and purchase network advertising from having undue influence on controversial issues of public importance."

The MoveOn.org spot shows children sweating in various menial jobs to pay for the spiraling federal deficit, which is specifically blamed on President George Bush.

CBS maintains the ad "advocates," i.e., takes a point of view with which reasonable opinion may differ. The deficit presumably could be attributed to Congress, Martha Stewart or the small, secret movements of a band of South American marsupials.

Similarly, CBS rejected a spot from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).

The PETA spot shows two skimpily clad women snuggling up to a meat-eating pizza delivery man, but to no avail. The message is that meat-eating can cause impotence.

First off, you just know the PETA people have to be peeved that their usual place in the dazzling sun of controversy has been overshadowed by MoveOn.org.

Second, one could argue the spot should air because CBS already has in its mitts a response to the PETA principle: three separate commercials addressing erectile dysfunction.

Yes, it's a Super Bowl first. Viagra, Cialis and Levitra will ante up alongside the likes of Pepsi to bring a little pop to your life.

Pepsi, meanwhile, teams with Apple on an ad featuring 16 real-life teenagers sued for illegally downloading music. To Green Day's "I Fought the Law," a song giveaway is announced.

I do see CBS's point about how taking sides on an issue would require airing the counterpoint or counterpoints.

Yet CBS is running the federal administration's paid-for commercial against drugs, a topic on which there are many opinions and a spot most of us will see while slurping beer and thinking, "Now would have been the time to go."

Clearly, serious ads have no place in the Super Bowl universe. So expect that antismoking spot from the American Legacy Foundation to be a knee-slapper.

The network schedulers planning every second of air time naturally won't tell us when such ads are coming. We can visit a site like www.superbowl-ads.com to learn the game quarter or segment, but the pinpointing gets no finer.

We can, however, now place bets on which ads will score highest in USA Today's popularity poll thanks to www.betonsports.com.

And in case the traditional Super Bowl blowout occurs, viewers can try to recoup by betting on — get this — the ratings.

Web sites like www.betWWTS.com have created an over-under line based on the fact that no Super Bowl since 1990 has finished with less than a 40 rating. That's 40 percent of all TV households, which explains the pricey ad rates, CBS's estimated income of $140 million, and why the Super Bowl is frilled to the gills with pre-game, kickoff, quarter-time, break time, halftime and post-game sponsors.

It even explains why consumer-products giant Procter and Gamble held internal playoffs to determine which of six brands got to do the company's first Super Bowl ad.

The winner is revealed in a 30-second spot called "The Strongest and Softest Charmin for Your End Zone."

Commercials during a game make sense. So do commercials in the pre-game, before hysteria ramps up and quieter voices — like the HIV/AIDS spot done by DDB Seattle — can be heard.

But I still have trouble believing any company actually volunteers to underwrite the halftime show. It always seems more of a short-straw proposition.

Take this year's infelicitously worded press release: "The worlds of hip-hop, rock and pop collide at the AOL Top Speed Super Bowl XXXVIII Halftime Show."

Doesn't it just sound like servers crashing?

On stage, courtesy of CBS sister channel MTV, will be P. Diddy, Kid Rock, Nelly, Janet Jackson and several tons of dry ice.

Missing will be U2 frontman Bono, who volunteered to perform with Jennifer Lopez a song he wrote about AIDS called "A Prayer to America."

The National Football League nixed Bono's offer, saying the show should be about entertainment and not about "single issues."

Guess that halftime dedicated two years ago to the victims of 9-11, in which Bono tore down the house, was more rollicking fun than we realized.

Interestingly, the NFL didn't care about Nelly's highly publicized marketing deal for "Pimp Juice" power drink, which claims to boost male performance and which drew the wrath of African-American groups.

Promiscuity vs. AIDS awareness; the NFL has voted. So I'm boycotting the halftime show, admittedly a cheap form of virtue.

Surviving to "Survivor"

Whether the catalyst is a halftime boycott or a third-quarter romp, what to watch instead remains a dilemma.

There's the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" marathon on NBC, the "Charmed" marathon on TNT, the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" marathon on WGN, and a veritable history of the "Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit Special" on Spike TV.

Pay-per-view channel In Demand also is soldiering on with "The Lingerie Bowl," minus sponsor Dodge. The automobile maker discreetly withdrew a few weeks ago and instead will run a Super Bowl spot saying, in effect, "Here's a truck."

In fact, weary viewers would be best advised to take a nap if the game snoozes. Because looming at the end is the launch of "Survivor: All-Stars."

For those who've missed the promotional bombardment, a select group of 18 former "Survivor" contestants will converge off the coast of Panama to compete.

Among them will be such well-known veterans as Rudy Boesch, Rupert Boneham, Rob Cesternino, Colby Donaldson, Jerri Manthey, Tina Wesson and the man that started it all, Richard Hatch.

To counter the contestants' accumulated savvy, executive producer Mark Burnett has promised new twists.

Judging by the preview tape, this really does look like the Mother of all "Survivors." The Super Bowl may pale in comparison.

Kay McFadden; kmcfadden@seattletimes.com or 206-382-8888.

Copyright © 2004 The Seattle Times Company