Even legendary coaches don't give tradition a ghost of a chance

Imagine a place in the afterlife, where every day is game day and the elevator music is all marching bands and every meal is a tailgate party.

Imagine a place where all the late, great coaches gather to talk about the issues of the day back home where they first fell in love with college football.

Imagine a Gang of Four, like Ohio State's Woody Hayes, Michigan's Bo Schembechler, Oklahoma's Bud Wilkinson and Stanford's Bill Walsh, talking about all the dramatic changes happening in college sports.

WILKINSON: I was home the other day, dreaming about our 47-game winning streak, when I heard this rumor that Oklahoma might be joining something called the Pac-16. You guys hear anything about it?

WALSH: Yeah, I was having lunch with Jim Owens when we got the word. We couldn't believe it. I mean whatever happened to the great traditions all of us were part of?

SCHEMBECHLER (harrumphing): Traditions? Who are you, Fiddler on the Roof? Where've you been, Bill? Redesigning the West Coast offense?

Aren't you paying attention? They have college football on Tuesday nights now. They televise Saturday night games that kick off after 10 o'clock on the East Coast.

Traditions are as done as the single wing. They've got so many bowl games now, even the fifth-place team in the Mountain West has a shot at making a bowl.

HAYES: What's the Mountain West?

SCHEMBECHLER: Hell, they've got something called the Papajohns.com Bowl.

HAYES: What's a dot com?

WILKINSON: It's crazy, Bo. They have a bowl season that lasts almost as long as the regular season. They have a bowl game in Canada, for crying out loud.

WALSH: Do they use 12 players? Imagine my West Coast offense with 12 players running around.

SCHEMBECHLER: Easy, Bill. They only played 11 men. I watched that game. Also saw the R + L Carriers Bowl and another bowl called the Little Caesar's Bowl. What is it with pizza and bowl games?

HAYES: Don't ask me. I'm gluten intolerant.

WILKINSON: My favorite bowl was the St. Petersburg Bowl by Beef O'Brady's. Great win for Rutgers.

WALSH: And then they've got this crazy BCS system.

HAYES: You mean B.S., don't you Bill?

SCHEMBECHLER: Look, I just got a text message from Bob Devaney saying Nebraska is joining my conference, the Big Ten.

WALSH: Yeah, when I was having lunch with Jim Owens, I got a tweet saying my conference, the Pac-10, just added Colorado and wants to add Bud's Oklahoma, as well as Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech and Oklahoma State.

HAYES: I remember when I tweeted that kid from Clemson. Cost me my job.

WILKINSON: Different kind of tweet, Woody.

SCHEMBECHLER: What are they doing to our game, guys? Selling off the naming rights for bowl games to every Tom, Dick, O'Brady and Papajohn?

And it's like they're turning our beloved conferences into some kind of Powerball game. Names of schools are popping up and some tribunal is deciding which super conference gets the school.

WALSH: You know what, the more we talk, the more excited I'm getting about these changes. Change can be good. Remember when Woody thought the forward pass was invented by the Communists?

The game changes. New traditions emerge. Tell me, Bo, that you wouldn't have liked to have played Nebraska on a regular basis. Tell me a game like that wouldn't have gotten your competitive juices flowing.

WILKINSON: Let's not kid ourselves, guys. This is all about money.

HAYES: (growling): Greed.

WALSH: It's not greed, Woody. It's common sense. College athletics needs money. Schools are cutting programs the way you used to cut linebackers who missed tackles. These super conferences mean more TV money and that means better health for college sports.

It's innovative. Kind of like my West Coast offense. I think this can be an exciting time for college football.

SCHEMBECHLER: So who decides where all these schools land? That Papajohn guy? Or Little Caesar?

WALSH: My guess is the athletic directors and conference commissioners will decide. Even as we speak, they're probably frantically meeting as if the future of the free world depends on whether Texas A&M joins the Pac-Whatever, or the Southeastern Conference.

WILKINSON: I'm taking off, guys. Want to go home and check the web to see what's new on this front.

HAYES: What's a web?

Steve Kelley: 206-464-2176 or skelley@seattletimes.com.