For would-be ruling, we turn to trash bin

Perhaps the biggest non-Oklahoma winner in the settlement/cave-in by the city of Seattle in the lawsuit against the Sonics is Judge Marsha Pechman.

She was placed in the difficult judicial position of ruling on whether her hometown's pro basketball team, the Seattle Sonics, should stay or move to Oklahoma City.

She listened to six days of testimony. She spent countless hours reading case law. She wrote a decision we have to assume was disinterested and astute.

Most of Wednesday many of us fretted over exactly what she would do.

But then, as quickly as you can say Peja Drobnjak, the case was dismissed and we had to resign ourselves to the notion we never would know what Pechman wrote.

Little did we know, however, that a clandestine group of Dumpster divers were head over heels outside the Federal Office Building searching for her ruling.

And early Thursday morning, coated in copier toner and barbecue sauce, reeking of sour milk and coffee grounds, the divers emerged triumphantly, waving Pechman's ruling in their grimy hands.

(You do believe this, don't you?)

In this, uh, exclusive, we can reveal what Pechman wrote:

"First of all, I want to thank both sides for introducing me to the beauty of NBA basketball. I had no idea. It's like ballet. And I must say I'm shocked that Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels hasn't attended more games. What was it, Mr. Mayor, four games? Wow, have you any idea what you were missing?

"In my role, it is important to learn about all aspects of my subject and to that end, as part of my research for this case, I watched the NBA Finals between Boston and Los Angeles.

"As for the Celtics, I was impressed with the way they worked together. And that Paul Pierce, wow, he played like a man possessed. Now I have a much clearer idea of what Mr. Clay Bennett meant in that e-mail. Wow, he really did want to leave town, didn't he?

"But back to the Celtics, I will never forget that sweet flip Ray Allen gave K.G. [let the record reflect that K.G. is Kevin Garnett] on the fast break. Watching plays like that, I can understand why the city wanted to keep this team.

"However I must also admit that mistakes have been made. I've been looking at films [breaking down tape, as they say in the vernacular] of past Sonics teams and I must ask, 'What in the name of Mouhamed Sene was team president Wally Walker thinking?' Even I object.

"To be honest, I'd like to put Mr. Walker back on the witness stand and ask him what he was thinking when he signed Calvin Booth. I mean, my clerk has better hands. And Jim McIlvaine? Justice Antonin Scalia has better hops. [Let the record reflect that hops do not pertain to beer, but to jumping ability.]

"It's clear to this court that the Sonics have been a badly managed basketball team since the late 1990s. No wonder interest had waned. No wonder the marriage had soured. I've been in the legal business long enough to know that losing is never fun.

"I also seriously question the motives of NBA commissioner David Stern, who seemed to love KeyArena in 1996, but changed his mind, and from his rhetoric, it seems he isn't real keen on this city, either.

"Mr. Stern strikes me as a man who loves where he's going, but hates where he's been.

"So the questions before this court are: Who gets punished in this case? Do I offer an opinion that crushes the hearts of the fans, many of whom have been loyal to this team for 41 years?

"Do I reward the new owners, who clearly want to take the next stagecoach back to Oklahoma City?

"For me, this case has been enlightening and at the same time frustrating. To the basketball fans of Seattle, I must tell you that I feel your pain.

"So, after many serious hours of reviewing the testimony, studying the lease, reviewing case law and, of course, breaking down tape, it is this court's opinion that in the matter of the City of Seattle v. Sonics, I rule in favor of &^%yoo(#&4... "

The divers are shocked. Here we've come to the decision and Pechman's orders are smeared by the combination of soy sauce, sesame seeds and pickle juice that was floating inside the Dumpsters.

And now we know, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Pechman's secret will forever remain safe.

Steve Kelley: 206-464-2176 or skelley@seattletimes.com