Stern's trash talk stinks, but pros could teach him a lesson

Nobody in the NBA, nobody, talks more trash these days than commissioner David Stern.

He has belittled Seattle, a city that has supported his game for four decades. He has mocked citizens as solid as Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer and Costco CEO Jim Sinegal. He has treated the state legislature and city council with finger-wagging disdain.

Stern has trash talked so much this season that if he were a player, he would have fined himself.

The trouble is, Stern's no good at it. Surely he knows his trash talking sounds clumsy. It's too much Park Avenue penthouse and not enough Rucker Park playground.

He needs a trash talk intervention.

Just imagine if, before this week's NBA Board of Governors' vote on whether Clay Bennett can move the Sonics to Oklahoma City, Stern called Larry Bird, Charles Barkley and the undisputed champ Gary Payton to New York and asked them to teach him the fine art of trash talking.

STERN: Thanks for coming on such short notice.

BARKLEY: Hurry up, Sterno, Ernie Johnson's waiting for me in Atlanta so I can make fun of you on TNT. And, you see, calling you "Sterno" is good trash talking, because it equates you with a source of hot air.

STERN: Thanks, that's exactly what I'm looking for, Charles. I want to talk trash like Sam Cassell on a caffeine jag, and here I am coming across as stiff as Calvin Booth.

BIRD: So Commish, the first thing you have to do is string your insults together. Quit talking about this arena lease like it was chiseled on tablets. It's booorrrring. Get into Seattle's grill. Call them a bunch of rain-drenched, latte-lovin', Monorail-ridin' Space Needlers. Something like that.

BARKLEY: Hey back off, Larry, I love Seattle and those fans loved me back. Don't be callin' them names.

BIRD: I thought that's why we were here.

BARKLEY: Why are you here, anyway? Don't you have enough problems with that lame excuse of a team you call the Pacers?

STERN: Hey, guys, can we focus here?

PAYTON: Focus? You're talkin' about focus. If you were focused, you wouldn't be throwin' down names of expansion cities like Gangplank.

STERN: That's Guangzhou.

PAYTON: It's Greek to me. Besides, nobody knows where that is. Most people have enough trouble finding Memphis on a map. Stop with the threats to move to China. Haven't you been watching the torch relay? You think Seattle's mad? Think about the stink you'd raise if you moved a team to China.

BARKLEY: And pick your spots, man. You're trying to trash talk Steve Ballmer? You're calling his $150 million proposal to save the Sonics a "publicity stunt?" Are you nuts? That would be like me getting posterized by M.J. You remember Michael Jordan, don't you, Sterno? How's your league doin' without him?

Anyway, you trashing Ballmer is like me trashing M.J. while he's hangin' on the rim after he dunked in my face.

STERN: But shouldn't I at least go after former owner Howard Schultz? See what he's doing? He's suing Bennett, saying my guy Clay broke the agreement in a letter he signed after buying the team saying he would negotiate in good faith with the city and state.

PAYTON: Howard? Are you trashin' my boy, Howard?

STERN: Your boy? You once called him a "punk ass."

PAYTON: I made a mistake. I admit it. Now he's admittin' a mistake. That's somethin' I've never seen you do in your Jordan-coattail-ridin', Euro-lovin', ratings-plummetin' years as commissioner.

My boy Howard's rubbin' salt in your wounds, isn't he? How can the Board of Governors vote to move the Sonics when your boy Clay is up to his cattle-ropin' eyeballs in lawsuits in Seattle?

BARKLEY: You didn't see that suit coming, did you, Sterno?

BIRD: Look at him, Chuck, he's blushing.

BARKLEY: That's it, Sterno. You're no longer in my Fave Five.

PAYTON: Here's a piece of advice, Commish. Threats aren't trash talking. They're just threats. It's bullying. Nothin' more. Nothin' less. You're a disgrace to my art form.

All of us players, not you, made this game great. How dare you try to taunt a city that welcomed me like a son. That's it. I'm outta here. Who's with me?

BARKLEY: I'm with you, Gee. Sterno here is an arrogant, threat-makin', snob-hobbin' con artist. He should have to move to Oklahoma City, not the Sonics.

BIRD: Anybody up for a game of H-O-R-S-E before we go?

PAYTON: In honor of the commissioner, let's call it S-T-E-R-N-O.

BARKLEY: I'll spot both of you chumps the S and T.

BIRD: Your momma.

STERN (to himself): Wow, I'll never be as good as these guys.

Steve Kelley: 206-464-2176 or skelley@seattletimes.com.