Message of abuse still not coming through

It was a slow news day. The only thing that happened was some Mariners pitcher apologized for getting arrested for beating his wife.

And he's not even a star.

Julio Mateo is only a reliever. The alleged incident occurred way out in a galaxy called New York. And besides, athletes and domestic abuse have become as common as rawhide and baseball gloves.

Where's the story?

Well, there's the story.

"A desire not to deal with domestic violence by not writing about it in the newspaper or choosing not to see it in the workplace, it's a callous reaction that not only does a huge amount of damage, but it also fosters an attitude that perpetuates domestic violence," said Merril Cousin, the executive director of the King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

I called Cousin after spending hours trying not to write about Mateo. She was more than a source; she was my conscience.

I told her about how opinion writers think, about how we crave fresh issues, about how we are inclined to skip writing another domestic-violence column because the world already knows that it's wrong.

Earlier in the day, a friend suggested I write about Mateo.

"What am I going to say?" I replied. "Shame on you? For a different take, I'd have to support domestic violence. And what fool would do that?"

Sometimes, messages must be repeated, Cousin said. Sometimes, sermonizing is appropriate.

"Most people, if you say, 'Is it OK to hit or beat up your partner?' would probably say no," Cousin said. "But there's still a degree of excusing behavior or trying to find fault in something the victim did or didn't do, denying responsibility.

"So on the surface, everybody says it's not OK. But some of these subtler issues are a little harder to address."

In athletics, this is especially true. Fans often crave victories over character. Stars often receive unbefitting canonization. Respect for women often gets diminished in a male-dominated sports world where many men openly lust for ladies and associate athletes' love interests with gold diggers and groupies, all under the umbrella of just being guys.

Because Mateo is less prominent, his incident isn't so polarizing. Fittingly, the initial reaction seems to be he was stupid and ill-tempered. Police in Manhattan found Mateo's wife, Aurea, in the couple's hotel room early last Saturday morning with a black eye, a bitten lip that needed five stitches and evidence that she was choked.

Mateo issued a written apology Monday. The Mariners, who have supported the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence for 10 years, also gave a stern reaction to Mateo's arrest, but more importantly, they nudged him into counseling.

"The Seattle Mariners as an organization deplores domestic violence," team president Chuck Armstrong said to open his statement. "There is simply no excuse for it."

Credit the team for responding in the right manner and not simply releasing the typical sports statement that goes something like this: "We are aware and monitoring the situation. Because this is an ongoing investigation, we have no further comment."

Mateo may have a legitimate chance at reformation because his team isn't enabling him. That's refreshing, but Kevin Miller, the executive director of the Men's Network Against Domestic Violence, said teams can be more proactive.

His group is trying to capitalize on sports' influence with its "Coaching Boys Into Men" campaign. It's a statewide violence prevention program that involves training coaches to teach their players proper behavior.

"Essentially, what we're trying to do is let coaches know they carry more influence than any teacher or administrator with their kids," said Miller, who estimates they've trained 400 coaches. "Sports is one of the few areas in society where it's safe for boys to express a full range of emotions."

Compassion is usually the understated emotion.

Domestic violence prevention experts tend to think the media does a good job of generically covering this issue, particularly when a major news event breaks. But the news gets spread too sporadically and not in depth.

The simplest concept they believe people fail to understand is that domestic violence is a learned behavior. If Mateo indeed beat his wife, he probably didn't become violent out of nowhere. He was taught, perhaps with great subtlety, to be disrespectful. Clubhouse jokes. Stories of promiscuity. Witnessing rage while he was a child. They all can contribute to domestic violence.

"Where it's learned from is very complex," Cousin said. "The good news is that it's something that can be unlearned. So it's very important to send a conscious message that domestic violence is not OK."

Say it again: Domestic violence is not OK. And again: Domestic violence is not OK.

And with that, this sermon comes to an end. I only hope it doesn't take another publicized assault for me to preach again.

Jerry Brewer: 206-464-2277 or jbrewer@seattletimes.com.