Columnists

Hear about Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone winding up in the same hospital to undergo shoulder surgery?

"Unfortunately neither of them brought translators," pointed out humorist Jim Barach, "so Arnold got an appendectomy and Stallone has a new hip."

She's not No. 1

Judging from the adverse reaction, MIA's middle finger at the Super Bowl wasn't a hit single.

Cents-less crime

Police in Ashland, Mass., arrested a man for an unusual case of road rage — throwing a handful of pennies through the window and sunroof of a car stopped next to him at a stop light.

Paul P. Castelli, 42, has been charged with assault and battery, property destruction, and impersonating a Kansas City Royals GM.

You make the call

"Hamilton Burger" is:

a) Perry Mason's courtroom nemesis.

b) a surefire money-maker at Texas Rangers concession stands this season.

Lucky brake

And from the Sometimes These Items Just Write Themselves File comes this dispatch from the London Daily Mail:

A 32-year-old model on her way home from a Super Bowl party — and who held the record for the world's largest implants — walked away unscathed from a car crash near Houston after her 38KKK breasts acted as de facto airbags.

Not exactly

a hardcore fan

Snippet from WNBC-TV's live report from the Giants' Super Bowl parade route last week:

Reporter: "Who would you like to see — which player would you like to see?"

Blonde woman: "Sanchez!"

Who needs Mel Kiper?

"The NFL draft begins April 26," noted Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald. "Right now, owner Robert Kraft and coach Bill Belichick are waiting to hear from Gisele Bundchen who the Patriots will pick first."

Talko time

• Times reader Bill Littlejohn, on Patriots' tight end Rob Gronkowski undergoing surgery just five days after his post-Super Bowl partying: "Doctors removed bone fragments, tissue and two swizzle sticks."

• Comedy writer Alan Ray, on this month's Academy Awards: "Big favorite in the category Best Documentary, Short Subject. 'Kentucky Basketball: Graduation Day.' "

• Spotted on a billboard near Morgantown, W.Va., in honor of the Mountaineers' 70-33 win in the Orange Bowl: "70: It's not just our speed limit."

• Ohio State basketball assistant Jeff Boals, to The New York Times, on center Jared Sullinger's play in the paint: "Obviously, Jared's got a big butt and he uses it to his advantage."

Here's the catch

In a pairing of Beantown royalty, Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis is engaged to the sister of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.

Now comes the hard part: keeping sister-in-law Gisele out of microphone range if someone drops the bridal-bouquet throw.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com