It's "Pay ball!" when the lawyers get involved

"A costly split" in modern baseball lexicon refers to:

a) A key player getting injured during a doubleheader.

b) The lawyers' cut when the team owners get divorced.

Alphabet scoop

With selection Sunday just around the corner, it's time to brush up on college basketball's lesser conferences such the Summit League, whose members include IUPUI and IPFW.

"Those are not labor unions," wrote Jeff Gordon of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. "Those are actually Indiana University-Purdue University-Indianapolis and Indiana University-Purdue University Fort Wayne."

Tackle for a loss

Veteran NFL nose tackle Jason Ferguson has been given an eight-game ban next season for violating the league's performance-enhancing drug policy.

Adding further insult, during his suspension he'll be listed as a dislocated nose.

Daddy and the Jets

The Jets have reportedly advanced newly acquired cornerback Antonio Cromartie $500,000 to clear up his paternity issues.

Seems Cromartie, just 25, has already fathered seven kids by six women — or as it's known in NFL paternity circles, a touchdown and an extra point.

Making ends meet

Sandra Bullock, in just a matter of days, won the Oscar for best actress to go with her Razzie for worst actress.

It's the baseball equivalent of being voted MVP on the heels of getting busted for steroids.

Prestone-free zone

Drivers in the annual Iditarod Sled Dog Race are now getting tested for drugs.

One positive side effect already in evidence: a lot less yellow snow.

Shunning their roots

Charles Graham obtained the first patent for artificial teeth back on March 9, 1822.

And, stunningly, not one moment of silence in an NHL rink this week.

Talking the talk

• Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Janet Guthrie, the first woman to drive in an Indy 500, celebrating her 72nd birthday: "She's also the first person to put a 357-horse power engine with an overhead cam on a Rascal scooter."

• Headline at Fark.com, after the Cleveland Cavaliers established a Guinness World Record for most fleece blankets by giving 20,562 Snuggies to fans: "Forget 2012, the world is over."

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, setting some ground rules in case pole-dancing becomes an Olympic sport: "The judges would be required to sit at least six feet away and never give the competitors more than a 10."

Smoking jacket

Did you see where actor and marijuana hound Woody Harrelson showed up to Sunday's Academy Awards wearing a tuxedo made entirely of hemp?

No word yet from Joan Rivers, but snowboarders are calling it "smoking hot."

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com