In Russia, it's take me out to the brawl game

From Russia, Sans Gloves: A 0-0 hockey game featuring 691 penalty minutes.

In fact, Saturday's Kontinental Hockey League game between Vityaz Chekhov and Avangard Omsk had to be called after just 3 minutes, 39 seconds — and three huge brawls — because neither team had enough penalty-free players to continue.

Those weren't the final hits. The KHL declared Chekhov the instigator and socked the two teams with fines totaling $170,000.

November bride

And in social news, the New York Post reported, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter and actress girlfriend Minka Kelly will tie the knot on Nov. 5.

In other words, between Games 1 and 2 of the World Series.

Golf a golf pencil

Sports quiz question, courtesy of the Detroit Free Press' Steve Schrader:

"Why is Tiger Woods on the cover of Vanity Fair without a shirt?

"a) It's his way of saying, eat your heart out, Phil Mickelson.

"b) It's a warm-up for his upcoming foldout in Golf Digest.

"c) Don't know, but he sure looks naked without a Swoosh, doesn't he?

"d) He lost it in the divorce settlement."

False start

"Jack Nicklaus said golf is bigger than Tiger Woods," wrote Steve Rosenbloom of ChicagoSports.com, "which is why nobody knew the golf season started last week."

Costly backfire

NBA rumblings say the Wizards might try to void the remainder of Gilbert Arenas' $111 million contract for wielding guns in the locker room and then making light of it on Twitter.

"It could cost him $80 million," noted comedian Argus Hamilton. "It's the most expensive joke in Washington since the last budget bill."

What, no Paula Abdul?

Confused by the BCS machinations? You're not alone.

"They do a poll of coaches, a poll of sports writers, then they have a computer that analyzes all of the records and everything," explained ABC's Jimmy Kimmel. "Then, Randy and Simon weigh in, then Ellen weighs in, and then America votes, and somehow Adam Lambert goes home with the Heisman Trophy."

The write stuff

• New York blogger Chad Picasner, after shamed slugger Mark McGwire finally admitted he used steroids, but only "for health reasons": "Sure, the health of his bank account."

• Comedy writer Alan Ray, on McGwire's first tip as Cardinals hitting coach: "Be patient. Before opening your stance, wait 12 years."

• Headline at SportsPickle.com: "Tommy Tuberville impressed by the closet space in his new office."

• Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne (Ind.) News-Sentinel, on the reported Jeter nuptials: "Details are yet to be finalized on when his fiancee will conduct the ceremonial deleting of his cellphone contact list."

Stork-market report

Tom Schonberg of Westchester, N.Y., is such a big Jets fan, the New York Daily News reported, that he named his son Jake Edward Thomas Schonberg — as in J.E.T.S.

Next up, no doubt: Philadelphia hails the arrival of one Ben Otto Olson.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com