There's a ring involved, but it's no love story

Britain's David Haye won't be asked to do the guest speaking at the next meeting of the Nikolai Valuev Fan Club.

"All you've got to do is look at a picture of the guy, and that speaks volumes," said Haye, who meets Russia's 7-foot heavyweight champ in a WBA title fight Nov. 7. "I consider him more of a circus-show freak that happens to be boxing.

"He's an ugly type of fighter, he tries to lean on you, tries to brawl and comes out with a really hairy chest that gets matted and is disgusting. I've never been a big fan of the matted hair in my face.

"The size I am, I sort of come up to his chest, and apparently the word around the campfire is that he doesn't smell too sweet."

Latest buzz

The Italian Olympic Committee has dropped its doping case against Fabio Cannavaro after the soccer star convinced them his positive test was because of the cortisone he was taking to treat an insect sting.

Moral of the story: It always pays to bring your bee sample.

Tackled for a loss

A 8 ½-foot chain-saw carving of ex-Bills running back Thurman Thomas vanished from a parking lot across from Ralph Wilson Stadium, less than 24 hours after it was unveiled.

Buffalo police immediately quashed the hottest rumor — that the statue has been recovered but they can't find its helmet.

Silence of the Rams

The St. Louis Rams have been outscored by an average of 29-7 in getting off to an 0-5 start.

On the bright side, though, they've got a heck of a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Talking the talk

• Bill Conlin of the Philadelphia Daily News, on the decibel level inside the Metrodome during the doomed stadium's final Twins game: "Outlined against a blue, gray Teflon sky, the hoarse Norsemen roared again ... "

• Exercise guru Jack LaLanne, to the San Francisco Chronicle, still doing two-hour daily workouts at age 95: "I work at living. Most people work at dying. Dying's easy."

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on golfer Tiger Woods refuting Forbes' claims that he's made $1 billion: "Guess he had a 401(k) too."

• Drew Curtis of Fark.com, after Colorado closer Huston Street coughed up three ninth-inning runs to end his team's postseason: "Rocktober is over. Welcome to Blowvember."

Seeing doubles

According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Royals first baseman Billy Butler just became the first big-leaguer since 1900 to hit three two-baggers in a game four times in the same season.

Or as hardcore seamheads call the feat, a quadruple triple double.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com