Heads will roll when this thief is caught

Somebody's alibi has a hole or three in it.

In an apparent Friday the 13th prank, 150 bowling balls somehow vanished during operating hours at Thurston's Bowling Alley in Frankfort, N.Y., and media inundated the place with phone calls as the news quickly spread.

The balls were finally discovered the next day, stuffed into the ball-return tracks under the lanes, but that didn't quench the frenzy.

"All I can say at this point is that I am all talked out," co-owner Alicia Gatto told the Herkimer Evening Telegram. "But I will say this: I am sick of hearing about bowling balls."

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: "Scott Boras able to get Manny Ramirez $20 billion in economic stimulus money."

• At SportsPickle.com: "Mike Greenwell given every A.L. MVP award since 1988."

It wasn't STP

Paul Chodora, a crew member for driver Jeremy Mayfield's stock-car team, has been suspended indefinitely for a substance-abuse violation.

Bowing to pit-crew code, NASCAR officials won't say what he's jacked up on.

Aesop update

Ken Griffey Jr., after numerous instant-message reports said he'd sign with Atlanta, chose Seattle instead.

Moral to the story: All that Twitters is not gold.

Hold that hike

"The Bears have decided not to raise ticket prices for next season because of an economy as weak as their pass rush," reported Steve Rosenbloom of ChicagoSports.com. "Team president Ted Phillips says the team will look for areas to cut, a process they began last season when they eliminated the wide-receiver position."

News flash

Dateline Tampa, Fla.: The Yankees, seeking a proven performer behind A-Rod, sign his cousin Yuri Sucart as third-base insurance.

Talko time

• Twins catcher Joe Mauer, to the Minneapolis Star Tribune, on the memorable offseason nuptials of first baseman Justin Morneau: "His was the first wedding I've ever been to where they played AC/DC."

• Ian Hamilton of the Regina (Sask.) Leader-Post, on the Manchester United soccer fan whose wife divorced him after two fans of a rival team posed as a woman online and lured him into an attempted tryst: "He's no longer a man united."

• Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the UCLA administration's next task for the two professors who say they've pinpointed Osama bin Laden's whereabouts using satellite imagery: "Find a 7-footer who can shoot and rebound."

• 49ers coach Mike Singletary, meeting with season-ticket holders, on the kind of team mentality he's trying to build: "Physical with an F!"

Unscheduled pit stop

How do hide-bound traditionalists acquiesce to NASCAR's new drug-testing policy?

They produce their specimens in Winston cups.

Sideline Chatter appears Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com