Exercise would be hazardous to his health

Beer Bellies 1, Fitness Fanatics 0.

A 280-pound German man's rolls of stomach fat saved him from serious harm when he was shot during a mugging, Ananova.com reported.

In fact, Rolf Mittelhaus, 49, said he'd been drinking and didn't even realize he'd been shot until a doctor checked him out two days later — and the bullet fell to the floor.

Said a police spokesman: "It had barely pierced the skin and was smothered by all the flesh around it."

Open for suggestions

Among the top 10 ways to spice up the U.S. Open tennis tournament, courtesy of CBS's David Letterman:

• "Extra point awarded for nailing opponent in the Adam's apple.

• "Ten ball boys, nine uniforms.

• "Two words: 'lectrified net.

• "Even though she has no experience, put Sarah Palin in the finals."

Numbers game

Relatives back home in northern Kentucky are pressing out-of-work running back Shaun Alexander — who made No. 37 famous in Seattle — to sign with the nearby Cincinnati Bengals and join forces with Chad Ocho Cinco.

As Alexander told AP: "They want me to be Tres Siete."

Mother of all mulligans

Facing a backlash from lawmakers and bewilderment from sponsors, the LPGA Tour backed off plans to suspend players who cannot speak coherent English.

Free-speech opponents, not assuaged, urged women golfers to replace their bigots.

Audible groan

Eli Manning a double threat? Not so fast there, big guy.

"I think I'm great at karaoke," the Giants quarterback told FSN, "but I don't think anyone else agrees with that."

Name game

Could there be a more elusive-sounding runner in college football than Navy tailback Shun White?

Just call her S-Pal

You can bet there's one Yankee happy to see the New York Post and Daily News gossip-hounds dispatched to Alaska to sniff out any tidbits on Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin.

Noted comedian Argus Hamilton: "Right now Alex Rodriguez could date an underage stripper, bulk up on steroids and assassinate his bookie, and no one in New York would hear about it for eight years."

Cheech & Chalmers

Heat guard Mario Chalmers denied using marijuana and apologized for getting kicked out of the NBA's rookie symposium last week, but a cynic might say he was just blowing smoke.

Talko time

• Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon StarPhoenix, on the lesson to be learned from Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh getting their 112-match winning streak snipped in beach volleyball: "May-Treanor and Walsh tie their bikinis one string at a time."

• Gregg Drinnan of the Kamloops (B.C.) Daily News, on Olympic swim star Michael Phelps getting a $1.6 million book advance: "Just what Phelps needs — more gold."

• Headline at SportsPickle.com: "Hurricane too weak to put sports in perspective."

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Palin assailing "the Washington elite" in her Republican Convention speech: "She sure wasn't talking about the Nationals."

Quick getaway

Disgraced sprinter Marion Jones was released Friday from a halfway house in San Antonio after completing most of her six-month sentence for lying about her steroid use.

Not that she was eager to get out or anything, but her sprint to a waiting car broke the penal record with a wind-aided 11.2.

Sideline Chatter appears Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays in The Seattle Times. Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com