Just a suggestion: Keep your helmet on

Ah, the pomp and pageantry of college football.

Like the ambience a visiting player soaks in at Louisiana State, for instance. "People are mooning you, people are throwing water at you, throwing bottles at you, beating on the buses," Auburn defensive tackle Josh Thompson told The Associated Press. "And then you get in the stadium, and they're trying to spit at you and yell at you.

"It's just a great place to go play."

Show of Force

Funny Car legend John Force was released from a Dallas hospital Saturday, 27 days after a ghastly crash that left him with several broken bones plus knee and wrist injuries, AOL Sports reported.

Not that Force was eager to leave the hospital or anything, but veteran orderlies say they'd never seen a guy smoke the tires on a wheelchair before.

Down the Black Hole

Oakland safety Jarrod Cooper is sponsoring his second annual Raiders Tattoo contest, with the winner getting $1,000 and game tickets. Just one problem, though: Last year's winner can't be located.

As Cooper told the San Francisco Chronicle: "I think he's in prison or something."

Goodbye, Joe

Among the top 10 reasons Joe Torre quit as Yankees manager, from CBS's David Letterman:

• "Wants to go someplace more peaceful — like Fallujah.

• "$5 million a year ... how's the man supposed to live?

• "Even Yogi Berra told him, 'It's over.' "

Yankee Quipper

The worst part about the media feeding frenzy for Torre's return to New York after his breakup with George Steinbrenner, he told reporters, was that news helicopter hovering over him.

As in: "It showed my bald spot."

End game

Bobby Bench, the 6-foot-7 son of Reds Hall of Famer Johnny Bench, is a backup tight end on Cincinnati's powerhouse St. Xavier High School football team.

No doubt he's one of the best catchers on the squad.

Talko time

• Ex-Packers receiver Max McGee, killed in a fall at his home Saturday, on showing up with a hangover and then turning into an unlikely hero of the very first AFL-NFL championship (now Super Bowl): "When it's third-and-10, you can take the milk drinkers and I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."

• David Thomas of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, on Nebraska seeking a return to glory by naming legendary football coach Tom Osborne as interim athletic director: "Osborne immediately reinstalled the triple-option offense and scheduled Pacific, Utah State and Northern Illinois."

• Toronto comedian Frenchie McFarlane, on the Bills' plans to play a regular-season game in his city: "Due to our increased exchange rate, a field goal will be worth 3.03 points."

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on Indiana basketball coach Kelvin Sampson's latest phone foibles costing him a $500,000 raise: "Dude, those are some serious roaming charges."

No Joshin'

Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett experienced an awkward moment before Game 5 of the ALCS in Cleveland when the Indians trotted out one of his former girlfriends, country singer Danielle Peck, to sing the national anthem.

Thank heavens he never dated Roseanne Barr.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com