And he wonders why it takes hours for a pizza

Lions receiver Roy Williams tends to have alligator arms.

When it comes to spending and gratuities, that is. "I am cheap, I'm a cheap date," Williams told Detroit's WDFN radio. "Get you some McDonald's, with some cheese on it, and I'm just really cheap, man. ... There's no such thing as a tip, but I am really polite and I say, 'Thank you, sir.'

"The pizza man knows, when he comes to my address, he's coming for free."

Snap it up

The St. Paul Pioneer Press reports that Matt Birk, the Vikings' Pro Bowl center, has put his Mendota Heights mansion on the market for $4.2 million.

Realtors predict a quick sale, barring a hike in interest rates.

Going, going, gone

A 5-12 finish to blow a seven-game lead? Just call them the New York Melts.

Brooks and done

Despite Kentucky's 45-17 victory over Florida Atlantic on Saturday that gave the once-downtrodden football program its best start in 23 years, reporters ran out of postgame questions for Wildcats coach Rich Brooks after just eight minutes.

Deadpanned Brooks to the reporters: "You guys must have been 5-0 around here an awful lot."

Dishing the rock

Arizona football coach Mike Stoops spent several hours at University Medical Center in Tucson last Friday getting treatment for kidney stones.

Which might explain why his Wildcats had no problems passing against Washington State.

A ploy named sue

A Jets ticket-holder has filed an $184 million class action against the Patriots and coach Bill Belichick, The Associated Press reported, claiming that fans were defrauded by Belichick's taping of Jets coaches' sideline signals.

Belichick said he couldn't comment, however, until after he has seen the ill-gotten films.

Talko time

• NBC's Jay Leno, on San Francisco slugger Barry Bonds' busy itinerary as he departs the Giants this week: "Bonds will clean out his locker on Monday and clean out his medicine cabinet on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday."

• Bob Molinaro of the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on Virginia football fans being able to see their team's game on ESPNU for the second consecutive week: "Or not. For many of us out here in cable land, the U stands for unavailable."

• Times reader Bill Littlejohn, on how boxing officials knew Oscar De La Hoya wasn't on steroids too when he fought admitted BALCO customer Shane Mosley in 2003: "Oscar's fishnet stockings kept falling down."

• Reader Derek Wilken, to the Saskatoon StarPhoenix, on the Cubs making the National League playoffs: "In preparation for a possible World Series run, hell is stocking up on ice-making equipment."

Sitting Fat Dept.

Just in time for the playoffs, medical researchers have finally identified the baseball fan's equivalent of secretary's spread.

It's called Bleacher Bum.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com