Teaching oldsters some new video-game tricks

Just call them 80-thumbthings.

Elderly residents of the Sunrise Home in Birmingham, England — some as old as 103 — have gone beyond the usual knitting, bridge and crossword puzzles to get hooked on something a little more modern: playing Nintendo Wii video games. "It's great," Sunrise director Jayne Naylor told the London Daily Mail, "because even the residents in wheelchairs who aren't very active can have a go."

Squeezing the Juice

"After being arrested for armed robbery of sports memorabilia," reported satirist Andy Borowitz at borowitzreport .com, "former football great O.J. Simpson announced today that he was the author of a new book entitled, 'If I Robbed Them.' "

Added Bob Molinaro of the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot: "O.J. denied any involvement, then headed for the golf course to look for the real burglars."

Shirts off his back

Patriots coach Bill Belichick was taking the news of his $500,000 fine remarkably well, team insiders say, only to be reduced to uncontrollable sobbing the instant some smart-aleck reporter noted that $500K would buy 23,821 gray-hooded sweatshirts at Costco.

Song Sung Blue Dept.

That foul-mouthed hip-hop track on a MySpace page? It wasn't my doing, Chiefs running back Larry Johnson told the Kansas City Star.

In other words, somebody must have given him a bum rap.

Grayshirt senior

Mike Flynt, Sul Ross State's 59-year-old linebacker, has yet to make his first appearance this season, but the news isn't all bad.

He's now on the watch list for AARP All-American.

Packing a Trunk

A Chinese man pulled a car more than 30 feet with just his nose, using a tow rope attached to two hooks in his nostrils, the People's Daily reported.

Talk about a win-win: Not only did Wang Chuntai establish a possible Guinness world record, he no longer needs to use his hands when eating peanuts.

Talko time

• Red Sox slugger David Ortiz, to the New York Post, when asked if he hopes Alex Rodriguez remains with the rival Yankees: "Hell no. Hopefully he goes to the National League Central, so he can hit 80 homers."

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on North Korea's soccer team earning a 2-2 tie last week against the heavily favored U.S. at the Women's World Cup: "Dictator Kim Jong Il was so excited, he fell off his booster seat."

• Ian Hamilton of the Regina (Saskatchewan) Leader-Post, on Belichick escaping an even more egregious charge: "Taping a game without the expressed written consent of the commissioner's office."

• Times reader Janice Hough, on suddenly hapless Notre Dame's new definition of a Hail Mary pass: "The center snap."

Vick's paper rub

Those notes from which Michael Vick read his apology for dogfighting — the ones that sold for $10,200 in an eBay auction last week — were actually written for him by somebody else, his attorneys insist.

In other words, he was paper-trained.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com