Plumbing magnate Roto Rooter is staging a contest on its Web site to award a "Pimped Out John," a full-service toilet equipped with a TV, DVD player, Xbox 360, iPod, laptop computer, fridge and beer tap. Fax machine to receive the divorce papers not included.

Center stage

Celtics Hall of Famer Bill Russell won a record 11 NBA championships, but his teams went only 3-3 in NBA All-Star Games in which fellow center Wilt Chamberlain was on the East roster. So what does that tell you?

"It tells me," Russell told the Los Angeles Times, "that Wilt didn't know how to play forward."

Bad case of Acme

Gainesville Police, wanting no repeat of the basketball revelers who climbed traffic light poles and sat on the crossbars after last year's Final Four, greased the poles with Pam cooking spray in anticipation of Florida's 41-14 victory over Ohio State for the national football championship. But that didn't stop some giddy Gators fans from trying.

"The one I saw was like a cartoon," Sgt. Keith Kameg told the Gainesville Sun. "He got a running start, hit the pole, hugged it and slid right down. He seriously looked like the Roadrunner."

OK, so he meant Wile E. Coyote. You get the idea.

Bad investment

A judge in Huadu, China, has sentenced a man to 48 months in prison for robbing two 12-year-old boys of the U.S. equivalent of seven cents, Reuters reported.

Four long years with just a seven-cent return? Sounds more like a Knicks free-agent signing.

Quote, end quote

• Arash Markazi of SI.com, on Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer's 5-13 postseason record after Sunday's come-from-ahead loss to the Patriots: "Watching Marty Schottenheimer coach in the playoffs is like watching a cheesy 1980s film series ... The nerds will always get their revenge over the jocks, the police recruits will always outsmart their superiors and Schottenheimer will always lose in the playoffs."

• Eric Francis of the Calgary Sun, after a FIFA study determined that 58 percent of the injuries in last year's World Cup were faked by players: "It also determined Elvis is dead, the Beatles have broken up and Joanie no longer loves Chachi."

• Jim Souhan of the Minneapolis Star Tribune, on 5-foot-1 Tadd Fujikawa, 16, who upstaged Hawaii's better-known teen golf sensation at last weekend's Sony Open: "Mini Wie."

• David Letterman of CBS, on the Yankees trading pitcher Randy Johnson back to the Diamondbacks: "So now, this season, the oldest, most overpriced thing at Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs."

Scorecard, baby

With golf gazillionaire Tiger Woods and wife Elin expecting their first child this year, it might be a good idea to check the registry at Babies R Us.

"If you're thinking of a baby gift to give," suggested Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, "make it anything but a silver spoon. That's already taken care of."

Though a little green jacket might be nice.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com

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