You call this a fantasy?

"Fantasy football is out of control," comedian Lewis Black told "Inside the NFL" on HBO. "The same guys who used to stuff me into lockers and taunt me about my troll collection all have pink-rimmed eyes, gawking into computer screens, refreshing every two minutes for real-time stats, purchasing NFL television packages for access to every game.

"Now when I try to watch there is so much scrolling and popping up that I can't see the play on my television. I don't care that LaDainian Tomlinson has two receptions for 8 yards in the first quarter of another game that I am not even watching.

"There's a reason why people watch TV — because they don't want to read."

Hear, hear

Some New England Patriots credited their fire in Sunday's 31-28 win over Atlanta to the team's film session the previous night — a screening of the 1985 Hagler-Hearns fight.

"And if the Patriots had been shown a Mike Tyson fight?" wondered the Baltimore Sun's "Flip Side" column. "Well, good thing those helmets cover up the ears."

Balls and bait

If it weren't for hunting and fishing, Rich Landers of the Spokane Spokesman-Review points out, the mainstream ball and puck sports might be the poorer for it, missing out on such terms as:

• Cricket: "Makes good bait."

• Body check: "What sportsmen do after spring fly-fishing in tick country."

In need of Dr. Phil?

It might take a little time to get Lakers' mystique back. L.A. found itself trailing 24-8 in its exhibition opener against Golden State on Tuesday night.

"If Phil Jackson hadn't been coaching," noted comedy writer Jerry Perisho, "you would have thought you were watching the Lakers' 2004-05 highlight reel."

Talking the talk

• Tom FitzGerald of the San Francisco Chronicle, on why the Oakland Raiders, despite the addition of big-play receiver Randy Moss, rank 23rd in the NFL in red-zone touchdown percentage: "This problem is hard to figure, just like calculus, time travel and why Andy Rooney is still on TV."

• Syndicated columnist Norman Chad, on No. 1 USC's weekly explosions after trailing at halftime: "USC has gotten so cocky, some of its starters are still in study hall until early in the third quarter."

• CBS's David Letterman, on why he's thankful that New York fans are blaming Alex Rodriguez and his 2-for-15, no-RBI batting performance for the Yankees' playoff demise: "Because I am now no longer the most overpaid disappointment in the city."

Nomar Mr. Nice Guy

Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra is being hailed as a local hero again after he dove 20 feet into Boston Harbor outside his condominium in Charlestown, Mass., and safely plucked out two women who had fallen in, The Associated Press reported.

Not only that, but rumor has it the TV networks are already fighting over who gets to cast him in "Cape Cod Baywatch."

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com