Make Aussies aware of wardrobe malfunction

Attention, people of Australia:

We've been Down Under to visit more than once. Love you guys. Love your big island of a country. Love your food and drink and 'roos and even that little Bindi Irwin.

But, for the love of God, you've got to do something about those unitards.

You know what we mean. You have to know. You do love to watch the Olympics, and every time you tune them in on the satellite, you've got to see your national prides and joys parading around out there in what looks like an official girl's gym-class uniform, circa 1973 America.

Crikey!

It's bright yellow and green, sleeveless, cut off at the knees and incredibly form fitting. Not that we're opposed to form-fitting, especially when it comes to bodies honed to Olympic-athlete perfection.

But c'mon. You've got them on your women's basketball team. Your Lauren Jackson, for pete's sake — our Lauren Jackson, come to think of it — has to go from hip hop, WNBA cool-and-loose to Down Under buttoned-up-tight in one fell swoop.

Surely there's a good reason for this apparently irreversible fashion coma. A long-standing sponsorship deal with makers of severe girdles?

What's worse, the uni seems to be spreading all the way across your Olympic roster. We saw men — we think they were men — wearing them in track cycling the other day. And runners. And jumpers. And throwers.

The only people who seem to be escaping the fashion atrocity are your swimmers, who, like everyone else, are wearing those godawful full-body suits made of black electrical tape. We point this out only because it's the one piece of athletic attire that's actually worse than the Aussie standard-issue unitard.

So, there it is. We didn't want to say anything, not wanting to offend. But would you tell your best friend from another continent if he had, say, a large chunk of toilet paper stuck to his shoe?

Exactly.

They just kept going, and going, and ...

Did you see the marathon the other night on NBC? Scores of people were treated for exhaustion, dehydration, vertigo and fatigue. And those were just the TV viewers, forced to watch the entire thing, step by step, slurp by slurp, grimace by grimace.

It could've been worse: The 20K race walk was held right around the same time.

Supporting Phelps

The New York Times has run a piece detailing the eight people most responsible for Michael Phelps' success. They are, in order: 1. Debbie Phelps, mom; 2. Hilary Phelps, sister; 3. Whitney Phelps, sister; 4. Jason Lezak, teammate; 5. Bob Bowman, coach; 6. Ian Crocker, teammate; 7. Young Jeezy, rapper; 8. Ian Thorpe, former rival.

To which we can only say:

Young Jeezy?

They started it

In the same spirit, we offer up the eight people most responsible for our own success: 1. Michael Phelps' mom, Debbie. 2. Old Jeezy, Young Jeezy's older sister; 3. Gary Hall Jr.'s sister; 4. Jeff Smulyan; 5. Bob Costas; 6. Tom Shane, direct diamond importer; 7. J.P. Patches; 8. Al Trautwig.

Speaking of NBC

Just keep those cards and letters of complaint over delayed broadcasting coming, says NBC, which is ready to receive them in a big, fat Dumpster. The network really doesn't care what disaffected West Coast viewers think because, clearly, for every one who's torqued, 200 other people are lapping up the delayed broadcasts like free lobster bisque.

NBC's ratings remain strong, and incredibly, the ratings they are highest in are the Mountain and Pacific time zones, which get no live event coverage from NBC.

The network also released its list of top 20 Olympic markets, which include Salt Lake City, Minneapolis, Denver, Baltimore, San Diego, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City, Nashville, Tenn., Columbus, Ohio, West Palm Beach, Fla., Phoenix, and Portland, Ore. Seattle does not make the list.

NBC says it has drawn 191 million total viewers, 14 million more than the first nine days of the Athens Games and 5 million more than the Atlanta Games, the most viewed television event in U.S. history.

Dick Ebersol, NBC's executive producer for the Olympics, is sure he knows why:

"The mystery of China combined with the unbelievable phenomenon of Michael Phelps, the terrific performances by gymnasts Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson and defending Olympic gold medalists Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh at beach volleyball have captivated the imagination of the country," Ebersol said in a release.

We are not making that quote up. We would argue some of these points, but apparently y'all are too captivated by Walsh to think critically. Fortunately for NBC, she's all-American.

If she was an Aussie, she'd be all covered up by a unitard.

Ron Judd: rjudd@seattletimes.com. Read his Olympics Insider blog at www.seattletimes.com/Olympics.