Ten Commandments of restaurant behavior

When it comes to bad behavior in restaurants, I've seen and heard it all — from restaurant patrons as well as those they've patronized.

One incredulous reader wrote in dismay after a waitress at a neighborhood sushi bar screamed "Shut up!" to an otherwise well-behaved toddler. The child's sole offense? Making a joyful noise from the comfort of her high-chair. Then there was the restaurateur who called at wits' end, citing an egregious example of table-hogging: a woman who came and went in the course of her stay, running personal errands while a pal held "their" table for hours, oblivious to customers who stood waiting, and waiting, for their reservations to be honored.

As a critic, I acknowledge that there are three sides to every story: the patron's, the restaurant's and the truth. But as a former waitress, I'm inclined to wag my finger at those who've taken the "hospitality business" hostage and beg: "Oh, behave!" To that end, I offer this list of common courtesies that should help make dining out a more civilized endeavor for everyone involved.

1. Honor your reservation

If you make a reservation, keep it. If you can't, call. If the number in your party changes, call. If you're going to be late, call. Those who don't can expect a sympathetic ear regarding traffic and parking woes — along with 15 minutes of leeway — but after that, your table's up for grabs. If that makes you angry, consider this: "No-shows" are among the leading cause of ulcers in restaurant personnel.

Oh, and that little trick where one of you shows up at the appointed time and the rest of the party arrives a half-hour later: Bad manners! That kind of behavior has forced some restaurants to impose consequences.

The GM speaks — (general manager Doug Guiberson, Third Floor Fish Cafe ): "A couple of weeks ago I had a party of 14 at 7 p.m. We held the table till 7:30 and couldn't get ahold of them. So now, when reserving large parties, I'm taking a $50 credit-card deposit. Once I have that, I either get a cancellation or they show up."

Of course, there's the flip-side to honoring your reservation: You arrive on time and wait for what seems "forever" for your table. When that happens, here's where you need to give the restaurant 15 minutes leeway. Expect to be offered a beverage while you wait. If the wait extends much beyond that, your drink should be comped and a nosh from the kitchen wouldn't hurt. Throughout, you should be acknowledged and updated by the staff. Once seated, if the wait was uncomfortably long, a complimentary appetizer or dessert — and a sincere "We're so sorry!" — goes a long way toward making amends.

2. Don't hog your table

Lucky you! You've snagged a great table! Now: How long is that table "yours"? That's a tricky question and one that requires much finessing on the part of the restaurant and not a little understanding from you. Unless you've reserved at the Herbfarm, the restaurant expects to turn your table at some point during service. Reservations are booked in slots: 2 to 2 ½ hours for parties of four or fewer is local industry standard in finer-dining places, with a swifter turnover expected in more casual venues.

So, what do you care? For those who say, "It's not my problem," you're right: It's not. Not until you're the one left standing in the entranceway of a small restaurant that doesn't have a bar, the clock ticking on your Starv-O-Meter. Not until your husband's crying in his beer in the lounge with the baby-sitter's hourly wage up-ticking in his wallet.

Why not ask yourself instead, "What Would A Nice Person Do?" How about this:

• If you have a 6 p.m. reservation and expect to make an evening of it, say so in advance. Better yet, make a later reservation.

• Recognize that there may be logistical reasons why they need your table (to combine it with another for a larger party, for example). So, if you're through with your meal and want to hang out, ask to be moved into the bar or to another available table. Or take the party elsewhere.

• Spend money. It softens the blow. There's a reason it's called the restaurant business. Patrons who camp out over coffee refills for an hour and a half can do serious damage to a restaurant's bottom line.

3. If you don't like where you're seated, speak up!

You have every right to ask for another table, and every right to be put out if you're not accommodated. If you truly dislike where you've been seated and another table isn't immediately available, ask to wait — or to be moved as soon as possible. Unfair though it may be, if a restaurant is booked, they may not seat two diners at a table that accommodates three or four. Seattle-nice says grin and bear it. I say: It never hurts to beg — nicely.

The GM speaks — (JM Enos, Lark): "The assumption is I'm trying to seat a table that isn't prime, but really, what I'm trying to do is get a table into each waiter's section so that everyone is equally busy. That's my goal as the host. But your goal as a diner is to sit at the table you like, and you should always let me know."

4. Bring your kids, but keep them in line

The GM speaks — (The owner of a family-friendly restaurant offers these helpful hints. His advice is priceless. His name withheld at his request):

• Come early. There will be fewer people dining. You will get better service.

• Bring a bag of goodies to keep kids occupied, and I don't mean the small baseball bats one pair of dads brought for their boys!

• Keep them in their chairs. This is a work zone. Hot plates can cause damage if dropped.

• Beware of your environment. Larger chains can absorb the noise and commotion, but a smaller venue can't. Your kids' bad behavior is likely to spoil it for the other patrons. It reflects on my restaurant and, yes, I worry that offended customers won't come back.

• If you're a regular and you consistently require extra attention — one of the few larger tables, special orders — and inevitably leave a great mess on and under the table, think about leaving a generous tip. It helps.

5. Put your cellphone on vibrate

When it vibrates, take the call away from the table. Enough said.

6. If the food isn't to your liking, say so, politely and immediately

Don't finish your "inedible" chicken or "well-done" steak and then complain about it. Let your server know promptly so the problem can be corrected as swiftly as possible.

The GM speaks — (JM Enos): "If someone doesn't like their food, we'll take it away and offer them something else. We don't take a thing like that personally. Sending food back doesn't offend anybody."

7. Life's too short to drink bad wine

With so many wines being offered by the glass, and so many unfamiliar wines making their way onto restaurant lists, feel free to ask for a complimentary taste. Sampling first ensures you'll like what you get. As for bottles, the truly bad bottle of wine — one that tastes musty, moldy or otherwise "off" — should be replaced with a second bottle or second choice, with apologies and without fuss. Personally, if I've chosen an otherwise fine bottle that didn't suit my taste, I won't send it back (though I'd do it in a flash if I'd ordered the wine at the suggestion of a server or wine steward). But you should feel free to do so. Here's why:

The GM speaks — (Brian Huse, Flying Fish): It isn't right to have someone dissatisfied with their wine choice. If there's nothing technically wrong with a bottle we'll try to sell it by the glass at the bar, gift it to a regular customer or have the staff taste it as an educational tool. From a business point of view, it's worth taking the initial loss. That way the customer leaves happy — and comes back.

8. Communicate dietary restrictions carefully and early

Allergies, diets, diseases: These days everyone has a "can't-eat," and most restaurants are happy to accommodate yours. If they're not willing to try their best to do so, they don't deserve your business.

The GM speaks — (Karen Binder, Madison Park Café): "If a restaurant makes all the food to order, it's easy to accommodate dietary restrictions, but that's rarely the case with most restaurants. It's best to call ahead so they can tell you whether you and the restaurant are a good fit."

9. Don't even think about leaving a penny tip to show your scorn for a disappointing experience

Instead, promptly relay your specific complaints — including but not limited to mediocre food, slow or rude service, uncomfortable seating arrangements, annoying music. Ask to speak to the owner or manager and politely and privately describe, in detail, what got your goat. If circumstance keeps you from doing so (perhaps you were romancing a date or schmoozing a client), call as soon as possible to voice your displeasure.

The GM speaks — (Karen Binder): "It's a cliché but it's true. A happy patron will tell one of his friends, but an unhappy patron will tell all of them."

10. Spread the good cheer

The food was great, your server was a peach, and you had a lovely time. Compliments are free, and in a tough business that takes a lot of grief they're very much welcome. Had a swell time? Tell your server, and the busboy and the manager. Then go home and tell your friends — all of them.

Nancy Leson: 206-464-8838 or taste@seattletimes.com.

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