A tongue-in-cheek guide to running against Nickels

Confidential memo: The Nickels method for defeating Nickels

To: Candidates for Seattle mayor

From: Greg Nickels-2001

Re: How to beat Greg Nickels-2009

Gentlemen (why does this city have no women running for mayor, by the way?):

Beating an incumbent Seattle mayor is really hard. Before I did it, no one had pulled it off since Gordon Clinton beat Allan Pomeroy in 1956.

But this Nickels 2009 guy is vulnerable. (Have you seen his poll numbers?) You just need a plan. And I, Greg Nickels-2001, know how you can succeed.

Don't ask how I am able to offer you this advice. Maybe I have a time machine or something. But here's what you do:

1. Start early.

Frankly, you already blew this one. By this time in 2001, I'd already been running for mayor for 15 months! Really, I'd been planning it ever since I got bumped in the 1997 primary. Heck, by this time I'd raised $120,000 and Paul Schell only had $100,000.

Attention, James Donaldson: $3,000 ain't gonna cut it.

2. Criticize everything!

This might seem obvious, but you people need to get on Nickels 2009's case.

Just look at how I blamed everything on Paul Schell.

Yeah, he was an easy target for disasters like WTO. But I even called reporters unsolicited when Boeing moved its headquarters to Chicago, to spin it as Schell's fault.

When that poor kid Kris Kime got killed in the Mardi Gras riot, I went to his funeral and did a news conference in Pioneer Square. I said I'd hang his death certificate in the mayor's office.

So, hit this Nickels 2009 guy where it hurts. You really shoulda been out driving snowplows and distributing salt in December. Missed that chance. But there are still opportunities.

Ask why WaMu failed on Nickels 2009's watch. Vow to hang Tuba Man's horn in the mayor's office. You're being too nice, Michael McGinn.

3. Promise, promise, promise.

You can't just criticize, of course. You've got to convince people you're on their side. This is how I beat that Mark Sidran character eight years ago after we both stomped Schell in the primary. Sidran was such a downer!

I remember, we were at a debate in Greenwood, and a little girl asked if the city could build her a sidewalk so she could pedal her bike around the block safely.

Sidran said: Sorry little girl, the city doesn't have enough money for me to promise you that. Sidewalks are really expensive, and we're in a recession.

I looked that little girl in the eye and said: You deserve sidewalks, gosh darn it! Sidewalks for everyone!

That's how I rolled in 2001. Sidran called me "the promise machine."

So make a list, and add to it every time you run into someone who wants something. Start by promising some new sidewalks. This Nickels 2009 guy hasn't built all that many.

4. Get a slogan.

Don't underestimate the value of a neat catchphrase. Something that fits on a flier. Here's a good one: "The Seattle Way."

It's not original, but no one's been using it lately.

— Jim Brunner