Guide child to manage emotions, word use

Q: My almost 5-year-old daughter occasionally does a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing, sweet and cooperative, then terrible and tantruming.

If I, my son or husband don't tell a story just right, don't understand what she's saying, or we simply can't hear her, she will scrunch her face in disgust, stomp her feet and say, "I hate you," "Go away" or "You're stupid."

I'm not sure how to react. If I tell her to go to her room she freaks out — usually screams and fights further. Usually I just walk away and let her cry and get over it. But I feel like I'm "allowing" her to say these horrible things. Any ideas?

A: Parents today seem to be raising children who speak freely, expressing their ideas and feelings. The "seen but not heard" generation disappeared long ago. Kids today are seen and heard, sometimes over and above their parents. Some children like yours are able to control the emotional thermometer in the family. If they're mad, sad, happy or frustrated, the entire household feels it.

Children blurt out shocking words mainly because doing so gets everyone's attention and because they have limited language skills to say in a refined way what's on their minds. Then, unfortunately, it becomes a part of their behavior repertoire; an unfortunate habit.

While it's fine for children to express their ideas and feelings, parents hope that their children will learn to do so in a way that's respectful. Your task is to teach your child to manage her emotions and refine her language skills.

So when you are telling a story and to your daughter's mind you're not telling it just right, and she gets emotional, yelling "I hate you," say what would be appropriate in this situation and include a line about her emotions, "You're frustrated that I forgot the part of the story about the dog barking." By doing so you're providing her with words to communicate respectfully her feelings about not hearing the story as she expected.

You can also add, "You're angry that I forgot the part about the barking dog, but I know that you don't hate me. It's not OK to say 'hate.' "

If your daughter says "go away" when you don't understand her, again say what would be appropriate in that situation. Something like, "You're frustrated when I can't understand you. Please say what you said again." Therefore, in time, your daughter will learn to say, "I get frustrated when you don't understand me."

It's also important to include, "It's not OK to tell me to go away. I know that you really don't want me to leave."

If you can't hear what your daughter says and she screams and stomps while saying "You're stupid," say for her what would be appropriate: "You're frustrated because I can't hear you." In time she'll be able to say, "I get so frustrated when people can't hear me."

It's also important to add, "I'm not stupid, and it's not OK to say so to me or anyone."

Here are additional lines that parents can use when children speak disrespectfully:

"Please say that again but in a way that's nice and respectful."

"That's disrespectful talk. In our family, it's not allowed."

"I'm willing to discuss that topic with you but not when you're out of control and speaking disrespectfully. The conversation is over for me."

Most important, speak to your children modeling respectful language. Children are mimics. They copy language that is both hurtful and helpful, kind and unkind. While you can't control the language that children pick up at school and in the media, you can model respectful language that's used and expected at home.

A final note: When children are emotional, isolating them often makes the child's emotional state escalate. Therefore, stay near your child when she is distraught with emotion.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers readers' questions on parenting and development in her column. E-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists