As children age, they need to be taught patience

Babies simply can't tolerate having their needs delayed or denied.

When hungry, the newborn needs to be fed immediately. When the baby needs comfort or caressing, Mom, Dad or a grandparent steps in. You can't spoil a baby. As children go from being babies to toddlers, parents naturally begin to deny or delay some of what a child believes he needs or wants. If a child needs to climb and decides to do so on the dining-room table, most parents will deny the child this experience. If a toddler demands another cookie, and the parent thinks she's had enough, the mom or dad will likely say, "No more."

When parents deny or delay gratification of their toddler's needs or wants, most self-respecting toddlers will try their utmost to persuade parents differently by screaming, crying and stomping about.

When this type of behavior occurs, no matter the child's age, and no matter the issue — whether curbing appetites, actions or speech — stay with the child, address the child's frustration; but hold to your decision. The tantrum will pass.

It's part of growing up to realize that you can't be instantly gratified. Let's say that your school-age child really wants a new gadget, possibly a video game. Are you going to go out today to buy it? Maybe. But you also might provide your child with an allowance tied to a few household chores so that your child works to earn it.

In affluent families it's easy to pull out a credit or debit card rather than coach a child to earn the gadget and save for it on his own. But when a parent goes to the trouble of guiding a child to earn and save for certain items or privileges, the long-term benefits are significant.

In a research study, 4-year-olds were presented with a marshmallow and then told that if he (or she) could wait 20 minutes before eating this marshmallow, he would be given another to eat as well.

The children who waited for the second marshmallow went on to score an average of 210 points higher on Scholastic Aptitude Tests. From teacher and parental evaluations 10 years later, those children were better adjusted and more dependable. The children who couldn't wait received worse evaluations mainly because they lacked self-control.

In regard to delaying or denying your child's demands for instant gratification, there are three important approaches:

First, model what you do when you exercise self-control and talk about it when your children are present. "I really want a new car so I'm putting money in the bank each month so that in a year I'll be able to more easily afford it." You can even explain how interest accrues and how the more cash you have the less interest you'll end up paying on a car loan.

Second, explain that if a child goes to college the likelihood is greater that she'll eventually earn more income. "You can get a job right out of high school and receive instant gratification from the things that a paycheck can buy, but if you wait and go to college, the likelihood is greater that in the long run you'll receive more financial rewards."

Third, demonstrate how to delay gratification. If your child receives birthday money from Grandma, encourage the child to put the money in the bank. Explain that while she could go out and buy a new bicycle today, she'd best wait and add allowance money to her bank account. Then explain that by doing so she'll be able to buy a better bicycle.

When denying or delaying children's demands for instant gratification, you're teaching them to control their impulses, which is an important part of being a successful adult.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in

her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.

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