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The Culinary King

Rex rules the house with his (in)discriminating palate

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ILLUSTRATED BY PAUL SCHMID

I'VE HAD DOGS all my life. Right now I have a dog named Rex and, like most of the dogs I've had over the years, Rex is a black Labrador. I like Labs because they have a friendly nature about them, and I don't think they are smarter than I am. Many breeds are too smart for me.

I also never say I "own" a dog. Sure, I own my house, my car and most everything else in the house. But when it comes to the dogs who share the house with me, I cannot claim ownership. Like all the dogs I've had before him, Rex is considered a member of the family, not a piece of property.

Before we were married, the Truly Unpleasant Mrs. Johnston and I discussed what each expected from a marriage, such as a nice home and unquestioning obedience from me. But we never discussed our positions on dogs. Dogs were like kids. Mrs. Johnston and I just had them.

Like the other members of the Johnston family, our dogs believed they had certain rights. The first right is the right to have three meals a day. Plus unlimited snacks. They also have the right to sleep anywhere they want and whenever the mood strikes them.

Even as I write this sentence, I can look across the room and see Rex happily snoozing on the bed. But he will be on full alert if he hears me moving. He will settle back to his nap if I go to the bathroom or another bedroom, but if I head toward the kitchen, Rex will be at my side, looking for a treat or hoping I'll drop some morsel on the floor.

When some people see Rex sticking so close to me, they make the mistake of thinking he is a good guard dog and that if someone broke into our house, Rex would attack to protect me. No, I say, Rex would howl only if the burglar didn't give him a treat. Everybody is Rex's friend, especially if we happen to be eating.

I was watching Rex the other night when we had friends over for a barbecue. We were on the patio and Rex was working the crowd like a Las Vegas nightclub comic. He would stand next to someone who was eating and look at them with an unspoken plea, "Please, just a little taste." After someone gave him a piece of bread or meat, he would move to the next person and start all over, looking pitiful and neglected.

It was no surprise when I took Rex to the vet and was told that Rex had "weight issues." The vet said he needed to lose at least 20 pounds. I told the vet the dog could figure out ways to get food faster than I can figure out ways to cut him off. The vet said I just needed to feed him healthy food. Try carrots, she said. Rex will think he is chewing on bones.

Ha! This vet never had a dog as clever as Rex. I bought a bag of carrots and put a few in his bowl. When he heard something hit his bowl, he came running. But instead of eating the carrots, Rex just sniffed at them and looked at me as if to say, "Are you kidding me?" So I cut the carrots into smaller pieces, figuring he would think they were his doggie treats. Rex didn't even give the carrots a second look. He turned up his nose, and I think I heard him say, "Ha!"

My next attempt was foolproof. I mixed the carrots in with his regular canned food. He always gobbles down this meal like he hasn't eaten in a month. I put carrot-studded food in his bowl outside. I heard the sounds of Rex pushing the bowl around as he attacked the food with his usual gusto. He took about 30 seconds to finish, and I went outside, expecting to see an empty bowl.

I found an empty bowl, but I also found most of the carrots lined up next to the bowl. Rex had managed to eat the dog food, separating the canned stuff from the carrots while he ate. I finally cooked the carrots, smashed them with a potato masher and mixed the whole mess together with his regular food. The result was Rex eating the carrots, but he probably gained weight with all the extra meals he got while I was trying to get him to eat the carrots.

I was the only one to benefit from the experience. I got a good workout smashing the carrots.

Steve Johnston is a retired Seattle Times reporter. His e-mail address is stevejonst@aol.com. Paul Schmid is a Times news artist.