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Sunday Punch By Steve Johnston
Pleased As PunchHaving found the key(board) to happiness, I'll stick to the business at hand
AFTER THE TRULY Unpleasant Mrs. Johnston read in the Aug. 22 Sunday Punch that her beloved husband was planning to quit the column-writing business and start doing something to make him a millionaire, she walked over to me and gave me a "love tap" on the back of my head. After picking myself off the floor and rubbing the back of my head where the "love tap" left a knot the size of a walnut, I managed to say something like, "Wwwwhhhaaattt??" Taking that sound for a question, Mrs. Johnston waved the offending column in front of my face. She had Pacific Northwest magazine rolled up and was swatting me with it like I was a dog who had torn up her garden. It became clear to me that for some reason the thought of me quitting the column-writing business and going into business for myself upset Mrs. Johnston In the offending column, I said I had made my living for the last 35 years as a writer. But when someone tells me that they are a "freelance writer," I usually say, "So you don't have a job?" Next to saying you are a poet, the least likely job description to bring food to the table is calling yourself a freelancer. Fortunately for me, I have always been able to do my writing for newspapers. In other words, I had a steady paycheck with benefits. Some of my friends have made money as freelance writers, but they were able to write a book and get a movie deal. Most of us scribes toil away at keyboards, putting out thousands of words over a lifetime, and then retire with cardboard boxes stuffed full of newspaper clippings. When we die, the family is left to decide what to do with thousands of those clips. In my lifetime, I have had almost 5,000 stories published with my name attached to them. Sure, some of them covered historic events — the front page of The Seattle Times on May 19, 1980 was devoted to the eruption of Mount St. Helens, and my byline was the only name on the front page. I have also written more than 300 Sunday Punches, but most of my stories were routine crime, business and government doings. Not the stuff of history. So when I wrote the column saying I wanted to get out of the writing business and into the money-making business, it was more like a daydream than an actual plan. I see it like that Monty Python skit where they all dress up like Canadian Mounties and one of them says he always wanted to be a logger. He rips off his Mounty uniform and underneath he's wearing a flannel shirt, and he's got on logger boots. He sings a song about a lumberjack who "sleeps all night and works all day" while strutting around with an ax. I like that part of the skit. It loses me when the logger confesses he really wants to wear dresses and a push-up bra. Of course, I didn't say anything like that. All I said was that my true calling was to get into business, make a million and retire to a life of leisure. Well, I did retire, but not to a life of leisure. I don't have to punch a clock, but I still have to punch typewriter keys to write stories. Mrs. Johnston reminded me that my past attempts in business haven't proven very successful. There was a time when I thought I would become a land baron. I actually owned three houses in Seattle and rented them out. But I was a soft touch for a sob story and rented them to people who could tell great sob stories but couldn't pay the rent. I sold the houses and got out of the land-baron business. There were other attempts at making my millions (the latest is purchasing $5 in state Lotto tickets when the prize gets over $3 million), though it looks like I'm stuck with writing — which means, fortunately or unfortunately, you are stuck with me. But enough about my dreams. I have to get back to writing something for a buck. Mrs. Johnston is standing behind me. She has a wooden ruler in her hand. "Don't look around," she says. "Just keep typing, buddy." Steve Johnston is a retired Seattle Times reporter. His e-mail address is stevejonst@aol.com. Paul Schmid is a Times news artist.
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