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Pacific Northwest Magazine William Dietrich

Our City By The Numbers

Why we deserve to be insufferable

OK, ENOUGH wry jokes about the rain, traffic, serial killers and political gridlock. We here at Pacific Northwest (a.k.a. God's Country) know that everything about our Metronatural Emerald Jewel is actually just Super.

Say WA?

If you don't like it, well, we weren't going to let you in anyway. We think eight hours of winter daylight, Cascade Concrete and the Tacoma Tideflats are just to die for. If snippy opinions make you Ms. Negativity, that's your bad karma, not ours. At this magazine, everything is just peaches from every glorious, $500,000 view lot. So join us in celebrating once again just how smart we are to live here! (Assuming you immigrated in 1975 and actually have an affordable mortgage.)

What makes us fall in love with Seattle's metro vibe? Is it the convection zone? The sparkle of blowing transformers that punctuates every windstorm? Or the ability to participate in meaningless advisory votes on so many issues we don't really care about? Whatever, life in the Queen City is so good that we bet Paris Hilton is spitting croissants, so angry is she that she doesn't live here. (We miss you too, Paris!)

But wait. Can things get even better?

Not really, compared to standing in line at the annual REI sale, leafing through the pages of a racked kayak magazine while hugging our polypropolene undies to our fleece-hidden breasts. Crème de la crème, n'est ce pas? Still, let's share secrets about the Best of the Best, the things that make Pugetopia No. 1! Who needs Monte Carlo when we've got Indian casinos as convenient as Wal-Marts?

5 FUN WAYS TO WOW AUNT ZELDA AND UNCLE ZEKE

The freeway signs of mystery! Nothing is more fun for an out-of-town visitor than touring our hidden byways after making a wrong guess on whether freeway exits and entrances will be to the left or right. Getting turned around on one-way ramps or swerving across four lanes of traffic is a lot more exciting than Cirque du Soleil, no? You can wow Aunt Zelda with the true tale of how all of South Seattle has gone missing since 1964, given the impossibility of finding it from Interstate 5.

The Whole Foods experience! Take one Texas chain grocery. Put it at Denny Way and Westlake Avenue, which has just as much character as Times Square, thank you very much. Charge up your Starbucks card. Let the excitement begin!

The Jim McDermott political diversity Lollapalooza! There's nothing Seattle likes better than contrary opinion. So strap some Birkenstocks on your visiting Nebraskans, disguise them in Gore-Tex, take them to a wine and brie soiree of environmental piety, and let them compete in an I'm Greener Than Thou evening. Those spirited discussions on carbon credits are mind-expanding!

The we-have-farmers-too day trip! Let Uncle Zeke get a whiff of a real-live Western Washington dairy farm, tucked between Costco and Home Depot, just over the dike from Ikea! (Hint: The cows are those black-and-white things, sweetheart.)

A movable feast! Forget revolving restaurants. For the ultimate in haute Ho-Ho cuisine, take your Floridians aboard a Washington state ferry, buy them a three-dollar cup of stale coffee, and put them on the wing deck to time how long before the wind chill sends them running for the restroom. What a hoot! They'll never forget it!

65 GEMS IN THE QUEEN CITY HOUSING CROWN

Seattle unaffordable? Au contraire, amigo. If you ever scanned the want-ads in an ink-on-your-hands newspaper (spend four bits and hug a tree!), you might have spotted these real-estate jewels:

South King County bungalow! Why watch TV when there's better action out your picture window? Clean up that meth residue and you'll have home, sweet home! Pit bull has already prepared the ground for seeding. All reasonable offers.

Belltown closet! What do you need a home for? Stuff. So stop getting hung up on square footage and invest in the part that counts. Shelving, working lightbulb. A steal at $300,000!

Green Lake view! Why be near Green Lake when you could be on Green Lake? Cedar bench on weathered dock, complete with blue tarp for inclement evenings. May have crew noise at 5 a.m. $250,000 makes you trendy.

Union Bay houseboat! Yachtie charm on this 1978 Bayliner, safely aground in the Arboretum marshes. Lovely green fiberglass patina. Potential, with a pump. Sleepless in Seattle for only $579,000!

Duvall back-to-nature! Who wants to commute two hours only to be creeped out by living alone in the woods? Get cozy! Charming four-level townhome with 200 neighbors, basement in Snoqualmie flood plain. Condo association meetings are a laff riot! Income potential by babysitting next-door infants. $482,000.

49 WAYS TO GET MOVING, OR, SICK TRANSIT

Read your history, pal, and you'll realize that Seattle started Century 21 way back in 1962! So leave the jet-pack at home, step out of the Bubbleator and enjoy 21st-century transit the Metronatural way!

The monorail! Why be stuck in traffic when you can whiz along at bird level, peeking in apartment windows every inch of its fabulous one-mile rush of excitement? Disembark by ladder truck! Existing line a mere first step of ambitious plan to move thousands from Ballard to West Seattle, the dream of every commuter. Plans available, cheap.

Light rail! Engineered to reach the margins of 1907 Seattle in just 50 more years, this marvel of technology is projected to get you to the airport in only twice the time it takes to drive! Tours scenic Rainier Valley. Views of Tukwila. Due to budget constraints, Beacon Hill stop to be reached by rope ladder.

Metro bus! How does the other half live? Find out with an articulated adventure on a gleaming glam-mobile! See how well mental-health meds are working. Get in touch with teen youth. Practice a foreign language. A bargain if you don't touch anything!

Show your mettle, pedal! Why share anything when you can hog the road on a two-wheeler and give both global warming and that Cadillac Escalade the finger! Go naked through Fremont, Spandex everywhere else. Feeling crowded at work? Don't shower!

12 STEPS ON THE ROAD TO SEATTLE DEMOCRACY

If only Iraqis could learn the Seattle Way. No Saddams here. A primer:

• All decision-makers must be elected.

• No elected official is capable of making a decision.

• All decisions will be submitted to a public vote.

• All votes are advisory.

• There will be a public hearing to interpret the meaning of the results.

• All interpretations will be appealed.

• Repeat as infinitely necessary.

39 SIGHTS FOR SPORT-SORE EYES

We say hooey to NASCAR, ice hockey and Oklahoma City because if Oklahoma City is so great, why is New York Vinnie here? 'Nuf said. But to recap:

Love those Sonics! If we could identify any. As Jerry Seinfeld remarked, basketball players switch teams so frequently we're rooting for laundry. See how many Sonics players you can actually name and win a prize:

Two? A free ticket to Oklahoma.

One? Parking within half a mile of Key Arena.

None? Dumkopf! Now you have to watch an actual game!

My, oh my, them M's! There's nothing like watching the Mariners get shut out again while perched on a hard plastic nosebleed seat with a watery $5 beer and $20 parking stub, shivering during an overcast 55-degree Seattle day, to know why this is the national pastime. Don't it warm the heart when even a sub-.500 pitcher with a 6.4 ERA can get a multimillion-dollar contract and sit on injured reserve, showing young lads and lassies what America is all about?

Hawks and other birds! Who doesn't enjoy betting how long Mike Holmgren can carry that weight in a field-goal-decided Seahawks game and not have a heart attack? The stakes rise when they douse him with Gatorade! While he's oggling the SeaGals! At the same time former lineman Steve Hutchinson is giving him the bird from across the field! And the ref says, "Remember me? I was at the Super Bowl!"

17 VILLAGE VOICES

One of the many pioneering trends here in Say-WA is the "urban village," bringing downtown congestion to neighborhoods that previously made it all night long without a siren. These nuggets of yuppie fun are not to be missed — we've got tank traps (er, traffic circles) at every residential intersection if you try going around! So sit back, trim your nose hair while you wait for the light, and try your horn: It works! The friendly rivalry of these vigorous new commercial centers has led to a profusion of fond nicknames, like Bellingham's "City of Subdued Excitement." Examples:

Magnolia! Goiter of Queen Anne

Medina! Our Police Live in Sumner

Aurora Avenue! Even the Hookers are Ugly

Central Area! Commerce on Every Corner

Georgetown! The Greenwich Village of East Marginal Way

666 WAYS WE'RE SAVING THE WORLDLet's face it, from airliners to software, Seattle has pretty much fixed the world. Have we gotten the credit we deserve? Hardly. Billions of dollars, yes, but that's not exactly thanks. So let's recap how Seattle saved civilization:

How 'bout that Dreamliner? Higher ceiling. Bigger windows. Jetson curves. And airline seats crammed so tightly together that you still have to balance your plastic-wrapped snack on a 1-inch armrest while climbing over a fat man to stand in line for a dirty restroom while someone complains you're blocking their 6-inch movie screen. Can't wait!

Windows Vista! Can you feel the excitement? See-through graphics and a whole new set of commands to learn for only $239, plus $1,200 for a machine capable of running it. Does Microsoft ever sleep?

Priapus! Another miracle drug from Seattle biotech, guaranteed to keep things up for six days at a time! Next task: genetically engineering a wife who cares.

Wireless wizardry! A smart phone that can microwave a Cup O Soup, condense "Lord of the Rings" to 38 seconds, and cattle-prod the fans blocking your way to the only good act at Bumbershoot! Lights cigarettes and works as a sex toy, too!

32 PLACES TO ACT LIKE YOU'RE ARTY

Not to brag, but how many cities have an art museum that consists entirely of its entry staircase, a music museum made from the wreck of the Partridge Family bus, or panoramic views from the toilet stalls of its tallest building? Young and old, when it comes to structure, Seattle is cutting edge:

Downtown library! Talk about literacy! You can find your way into the stacks of the downtown library (barely), but try to find your way back out! Watch 'em try to gallop down the up escalator! More fun than Hooters!

Pioneer Square! Step back in time at the square, where you can not just imagine the drunks, thieves, prostitutes and rogues of yesteryear but experience them in real time.

Rainier Tower! What other city puts skyscrapers upside down?

Pike Place Market! Tenement architecture with greasy tiles and cracked linoleum providing a carnival of uric odors while shopping for $30-a-pound salmon flown in from Chile, just steps from the birthplace of a company that invented $4-a-cup coffee, all of it bracketed by sex shops and the homeless. Something for everyone!

Washington State Convention and Trade Center! Floor-to-ceiling views of Interstate 5! No wonder they come from as far as Spokane!

Sculpture Park! Zigzagging ramps to a scrap of beach featuring scrap metal sold for exorbitant amounts by artists who couldn't find Seattle on a map. House Speaker Frank Chopp, D-Viaduct, says the only thing that could make it better is to fill it with cars!

20 TIPS FOR MAKING NICE WITH TOURISTSOK, you can't make a friend, get a date or track down the neighbor across the hall who breeds roosters, but our Scandinavian reserve doesn't mean people are unfriendly. Only hostile. Try going along to get along:

• To the tourist who asks directions to Frasier's apartment: "First you go to Federal Way . . ."

• To the personal ad from someone who likes moonlit walks on the beach: "Can you mooch with a leaded flasher 30 feet off a rocky bottom and gybe at 20 knots without a preventer or mainsheet brake?"

• To a newcomer asking for directions to Paradise: "Take the Carbon River road . . ."

• To the nitwit who asks when the rain will stop: "Fifteen miles east of Ellensburg."

• To the Texan who drives a Hummer with a gun rack to a Queen Anne soiree and asks where he can smoke: "1956."

The fact is, the only thing that Seattle needs to make it even more Super-Natural is . . . enough people! Yes, there's nothing wrong with the Great Northwest that several million more enthusiasts won't fix. So bring 'em on! We haven't even gotten to the 10 Best Kent Hairdressers, the 14 Reasons You Shouldn't Want To Go East-West Anyway, or the 50 Ways To Squeeze a McMansion Onto a Bungalow Lot and Really, Really Irritate Your Neighbors! So clip this article, send it to your friends and ask them to come come come in late July to get a realistic view of life here in Ecotopia!

Always room for one more, Paris!

William Dietrich is a Pacific Northwest magazine staff writer. Tom Reese is a Seattle Times staff photographer.

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