Winds of change blowing through my Cheez-Its dust

NASHUA, N.H. — Here's how I, as a professional journalist, roll on the New Hampshire Campaign Trail. First I get into my rental car with my official reporter notebook and a minimum of four bags of Cheez-Its. Then I drive until the Cheez-Its run out (about two miles). Then I look for a school or college that has the following features:

• 800,000 candidate signs stuck into giant mounds of snow;

• Nowhere legal to park because all of the legal parking spaces have been occupied by giant mounds of snow since October;

• A demonstrator dressed as Frosty the Snowman to express concern about global warming.

These features indicate that there is a presidential campaign event going on. So I park illegally, brush off the Cheez-It dust, and go inside, where I join the crowd of New Hampshire voters standing around listening to classic rock songs from the '60s and early '70s (required by federal election law) while we wait for the candidate to arrive and tell us that he or she is in favor of Change.

Everybody in this race, Democrat and Republican, is now officially for Change. They get more fervent about Change every day; it's only a matter of time before they start calling for tactical air strikes on Washington.

I'll be honest with you: I'm getting tired of Change. I think it'd be nice, for a change, if a candidate came out against Change, maybe with a catchy slogan like, "Remember: It Could Get Worse," or "Hey, At Least You're Not Dead."

Here in Nashua, I watched Mitt "Mitt" Romney call for change. I will say this about Mitt: He is the most clean-cut human I have ever seen. He makes Ken, of Ken and Barbie, look like Chewbacca. I was standing with Jeff Greenfield, veteran TV political analyst, and when Mitt called, about 30 seconds into his speech, for Change, Greenfield leaned over and said, "I want to give you some change," then handed me a quarter.

Also at the event was U.S. Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire, who is a Romney supporter. Greenfield and I were complaining to him about how the New Hampshire hotels jack up their prices for the primaries. For example: I'm staying at a hotel — let's call it a "Foliday Finn" — that is normally not expensive, but this week is charging me (I mention this for the benefit of the person who will be processing my expense report) a special primary rate of $17 million per night for my room, plus a dollar for a small bag of Cheez-Its that will barely get you half a mile under highway conditions.

Sen. Gregg was not moved by Greenfield's and my complaints. His response was, quote, "Make sure you stop at the liquor store before you leave."

New Hampshire makes bales of money from state-run liquor stores. One of them is located — I am not making this up — in a turnpike service plaza, apparently for the benefit of motorists who are, for whatever reason, running low on gin.

From the Romney event I drove to Derry to attend a jampacked event for Barack Obama, who is surging ahead in the polls and is now basically a rock star. People were cheering, chanting and throwing their underwear at him. And those were the journalists.

Just kidding! Sort of.

Anyway, Obama noted that he is for Change, and that he was for Change before Change was cool. He is unchanged in his commitment to Change.

He did not mention his arch-rival, Hillary Clinton, by name, although he made several subtly veiled references to "my opponent, the screeching harpy."

Just kidding! Sort of.

According to the polls, Obama is going to beat Clinton here, and John McCain is going to beat Romney, and then everybody will flee New Hampshire, and hotel rates here will drop back to normal for four years, after which we will all return to listen to candidates — as they have done for thousands of years — calling for Change.

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for The Miami Herald. Readers may write to him c/o The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla. 33132.