Initiatives we'd really like to see

Voters today face the usual plethora of initiatives and propositions. Only Seattle Referendum 1 is exceptional, and only because the Voters' Guide description of the city's strip-club regulations has the flavor of soft-core porn.

The other measures are, as always, about "Cutting My Taxes" or "Taxing X to Provide Y."

The progressives, who invented the process, hoped the people's initiative would uplift and inspire; instead, we are stuck in the zero-summing weeds of deciding who gets a tax break or a new civic center. What we need are initiatives with Big Ideas. Here are some suggestions.

Soak the Rich Initiative

Admit it, you hate all those Microsoft millionaires for lucking into riches and driving the price of vacation property in the San Juan Islands beyond the reach of all but the wealthy few. Here's your chance to get even.

According to Forbes, there are nine billionaires in Washington state with a combined net worth of $92.9 billion. Approving this initiative's one-time, 10-percent wealth tax on these mega-rich potentates would yield $9.29 billion to the state's coffers, enough to replace the Alaskan Way Viaduct with a tunnel with flying buttresses, Renoir artwork and wall-to-wall Wi-Fi.

Deport Tim Eyman Initiative

This proposal would give Mr. Car Tabs 30 days to leave the state.

One drawback of the measure is that it is probably unconstitutional, but the prospect of forcing Eyman into an Idaho court to ask judges to overturn a popularly approved initiative is too good to pass up.

Rename Washington State Initiative

Let's agree: Our fair state has a boring name. And a hideous flag, what with George's large proboscis figuring so prominently on it. And we're all tired of explaining, "No, I'm from the other Washington."

Changing the state's name will give us new cachet. A lot of candidates come to mind — Cascadia, Tahoma, SeaTacSpokania — but I suggest "Walla Walla," a Native American word meaning "many waters" (though some dissenting linguists insist it means "sweet onions").

We'd keep our current WA postal designation, so we wouldn't have to change our stationery. Plus, "New York, New York" can't hold a candle to "Walla Walla, Walla Walla."

Rename King County Initiative

In an excess of politically correct zeal, the King County Council and the state Legislature rewrote history by deciding that King County would no longer be named, as it had been since 1852, for William Rufus Devane King, a former vice president and slave owner, and "named" the county for Martin Luther King Jr., born in Georgia in 1929.

While Dr. King was a great man, his chief qualification for the honor was the fact that his surname serendipitously matched the name already emblazoned on all county property.

This initiative would undo this ahistorical, Orwellian nonsense but leave open the opportunity of renaming the county for another accomplished African American — one with some connection to the state.

Why not "York County" in honor of the slave who accompanied Lewis and Clark? Or better yet: "Hendrix County."

Nanny State Initiative

The people who brought you $7-a-pack cigarettes and some of the highest liquor taxes in the country already have their sights set on trans fat and junk food.

These do-gooder activists always deny they're "taxing sin" or targeting smokers just because they, well, hate smokers. It's always about "the children" or recouping costs to the state allegedly linked to bad habits.

The Nanny State Initiative will take these sentiments to their logical conclusion, assessing a tax on equipment and services related to other high-risk activities like rock climbing, hang gliding and running as a Republican in Seattle's 7th Congressional District.

Ban Winnebagos From Secondary Roads Initiative

OK, this one is personal. I just hate being behind the lumbering behemoths.

Initiative on Initiatives (1)

The people's initiative has become a business and a tool of special interests with the money to pay college students to collect enough signatures to get their measure on the ballot.

This initiative would ban the practice of paying persons to collect signatures, while requiring from each registered voter who signs a petition a 100-word essay explaining what the proposed initiative means.

A bipartisan, nine-member panel of billionaires will review the essays. The signatures of those deemed clueless will be thrown out.

Initiative on Initiatives (2)

This initiative would ban further initiatives. I will pay someone to start collecting signatures.