Late-in-life divorce: More couples end long marriages

By David Crary
The Associated Press

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The past year has been daunting for her in many ways: Bouts of depression, some awkward dates, distress the first few times she ate out alone at restaurants.

Lately, she feels happier and more confident, thanks in large part to support from friends and fellow churchgoers in Statesboro, Ga.

Harkleroad, 60, is one of a growing legion of Americans confronting the trauma, challenges and opportunities of divorce after a marriage of long duration finally falls apart.

No firm statistics are available, but experts say there is no doubt that breakups among couples married upward of 25 years are becoming more common.

With ever-lengthening life expectancies, even unhappy spouses in their 60s or 70s may find the motivation to start their social life over again.

"Sometimes it's people whose marriages have not been good for many, many years, and they're just waiting for their kids to be grown," said Constance Ahrons, a California sociologist who has written extensively on marriage and divorce.

"There's the realization of the emptiness when the kids leave home, the realization that they still have many years ahead, and their spouse is not the person they want to spend the rest of their life with," Ahrons said.

Jane Burroughs, 57, of Stevens Point, Wis., believes her 1997 divorce, which ended a 31-year marriage, reflected dilemmas faced by many women her age.

"My generation was caught in the middle between the women's liberation movement versus when you stayed home and took care of your children," she said. "I chose to work full-time, as a secretary, and I also had to do all the housework and raise two kids. It all fell on me."

Men remarry sooner

She put off dating for three years, then met some men through the Internet. "I tell my dates right from the beginning, I do not do marriage again."

Her ex-husband, on the other hand, is engaged — a pattern which Burroughs says is common.

Experts say men and women are equally likely to be wounded by the breakup of a long-term marriage, but they generally agree that older divorced men have better luck finding a new wife.

"Unfortunately for women, it appears still to be easier for an older man to capture a younger woman than the reverse," said Dr. Robert Butler, president of the International Longevity Center-USA in Manhattan.

"However, I have seen women, even in their late 60s, who initiated the divorce, who wanted to be liberated. ... More and more women are in the workforce, they have more choices."

Bob Tremblay, 59, divorced three years ago after a 29-year marriage, and says he is now happily reunited with a girlfriend from his high-school days.

But his relief at ending years of marital friction is tempered by virtual estrangement from his 30-year-old daughter and a son, 28.

Losing contact with his children was "like a knife was stuck in my heart and twisted."

The children

Though divorces affecting young children can be wrenching — especially if disputes flare over custody and visitation — divorces by couples with adult children have their own challenges.

"Many 20-plus-year-olds, facing their parents divorcing, wonder, 'Why aren't people talking about us, and how we're facing the loss of everything we ever knew?' " said Karen Kahn Wilson, a twice-divorced psychologist who specializes in helping ex-spouses cope with divorce.

Butler said some grown children worry that their parents' divorce will affect their inheritance.

"The adult children may be quite suspicious of the sudden appearance of a new woman in their father's life, or a new man in mother's life," he said.

Betsy Stellhorn, 56, a clinical social worker from Bethesda, Md., divorced in February after a 28-year marriage. She has stayed close to her 27- and 22-year-old daughters — the youngest lives with her — but she says the divorce was hard on them.

"The older kids in a way have a tougher time — they're so used to it being a certain way for so long," she said.

Stellhorn said she divorced after learning her husband was seeing another woman, but she stressed that the marriage was strained well before that. Post-divorce, she felt a mix of emotions.

"There definitely was the grieving," she said. "But also a sense of relief when you finally make the decision. Once I made it, I never had the feeling, 'Oh, this is a mistake.' "

Copyright © 2003 The Seattle Times Company