"Greenness" makes me see red

Seattle, you're really getting on my nerves.

In a matter of days, you have put a fee on paper and plastic bags, formed a committee to get reusable grocery bags into the hands of the poor, talked about putting cops on battery-powered scooters, imposed a fine on those who illegally move scooters, and closed three city streets to cars on three Sundays later this year.

I'm cool with the charge for plastic bags. I know there's a huge mass of them swirling out at sea, choking marine life, all because we forget our reusable bags in the car — and we need something to pick up dog poop.

But fining people who move scooters?

And putting cops on them?

Closing Alki Avenue Southwest in West Seattle and Rainier Avenue South in Columbia City for several hours on three consecutive Sundays?

Allow me to point out a bit of irony. These decisions came during a week that will end with the beloved Blue Angels spewing pollution and tax dollars all over us, and the cherished hydros doing their damage to Lake Washington.

Seattle is so desperate to be green and gracious, it's making some of us red with rage.

"I have noticed that it's a little ... bit ... much," said Sterling Brown, 41, of Seattle.

Brown, who grew up in Michigan, has fixated on the new law protecting parked scooters. Why does the city have to get involved?

"If someone was touching my scooter, I would just pound on 'em," Brown said, somewhat sarcastically. "It's what we do in Michigan."

Like me, Brown likes the "environmental side" of the city that will charge 20 cents for plastic bags, starting in January. And it's good that the city plans to give at least one free, reusable bag to each household.

But he doesn't think it should take a Seattle Public Utilities committee four months to plan how to provide extra bags to low-income residents.

"You know what committees do, right?" Brown asked. "Nothing."

While other U.S. cities have banned plastic bags, Seattle is believed to be the first to discourage use by charging a fee.

Mayor Greg Nickels seems determined to make his mark as the greenest guy since Kermit the Frog.

In announcing the street closures, Nickels told residents to "Just chill."

Chill? How about choke?

I live in a pocket between Rainier Avenue South and Lake Washington Boulevard. I guess I can forget whatever plans I've made for Aug. 31 — unless it's going outside to turn my compost or walk to the store with my reusable bag to buy my organic, locally grown produce.

(And hey: Why not close North 45th Street and Northwest Market Street next time?)

Oh, I know. We need to walk more, recycle more, be kind to one another.

But all this preciousness makes me want to rent an Escalade, drive it to Costco, buy a few flats of bottled water and back over some scooters on my way out.

Then I want to head over to 15th Avenue East on Capitol Hill, where I will take that woman fighting the closure of the Starbucks there on a tour of the other coffeehouses — two of them across the street.

She can even walk.

Nicole Brodeur's column appears Tuesday and Friday. Reach her at 206-464-2334 or nbrodeur@seattletimes.com.

Loosen up, people.