Writers' latest dialogue: with Congress

WASHINGTON — The striking writers behind Jon Stewart's fake news show and Stephen Colbert's fake talk show went to Washington to explain to real lawmakers Wednesday the strike that has crippled creative television and threatens to wreck the Oscars.

But knowing it can be difficult to get a lawmaker's attention, the brains behind two of Comedy Central's most-watched shows couched the issues in terms Washington could understand: a mock debate.

On one side, in shirts, was the striking Writers Guild of America, played by "Daily Show" writers Rob Kutner, Tim Carvell and Jason Ross. On the other side, in suits, was the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, played by "Colbert Report" writers Michael Brumm, Peter Grosz and Tom Purcell.

Crashing out of the starting gates, the shirts argued it would cost the suits less than 1 percent of their total revenues to give the writers everything they want.

For Paramount Pictures, that comes to $4.6 million, or "half the amount it takes to get Reese Witherspoon into a movie."

"I ask you," one writer noted, "which is more important to a movie: a script, or half of Reese Witherspoon?"

The studio suits thought for a second. "Which half?"

Then it was the studios' turn to make their case: "I had no idea what substance that was that my trainer was injecting into my buttocks ... " one suit boomed, getting an elbow from a colleague, who mumbled: "Wrong hearing."

"Point of order!" a starving writer blurted. "I was told there would be a free buffet lunch?"

The debate, held in a House hearing room and moderated by former White House press secretary Dee Dee Myers, was intended to raise lawmakers' awareness of a nearly 12-week strike that has 10,500 writers out of work on both coasts, not to mention tens of thousands of support crews and industry-dependent workers.

About a half-dozen lawmakers showed up in solidarity — including Rep. Jan Schakowsky, D-Ill., in a fake beard to honor writers who put down their razors with their metaphoric pencils — and Rep. Steve Cohen, D-Tenn., who recently appeared on "The Colbert Report."

"If I found Osama bin Laden and brought him in shackles to George Bush, the thing I would best be known for in my district would be being on the Stephen Colbert show," Cohen said.

It was noted more than once that the studios collectively brought in $95 billion last year while the average writer earned $62,000.

Myers asked the suits to reveal how much they make.

The suits huddled.

"I don't recall."

"I don't recall whether I recall."

At the heart of a standoff that has stalled talks is the guild demand that writers be fairly paid for work distributed over new media, such as the Internet, cellphones, digital video players and the like.

Hollywood has a sad history of creative minds who failed to envision such innovation as television reruns and earned no residuals on shows that still aired a half-century later.