Disgraced Haggard confesses to his Colorado church

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Saying that he was a "deceiver and liar" who had given in to his dark side, the Rev. Ted Haggard confessed to sexual immorality Sunday in a letter read from the pulpit of the megachurch he founded.

The disgraced former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, which represents 30 million evangelical Christians, apologized and said, "Because of pride, I began deceiving those I love the most because I didn't want to hurt or disappoint them."

"The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality. And I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar. There's a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life," he said.

Haggard, 50, resigned last week as NAE president — where he held sway in Washington and condemned homosexuality — after a man claimed to have had drug-fueled homosexual trysts with him. Haggard also placed himself on administrative leave from the 14,000-member New Life Church, which he founded in the 1980s. Its independent Overseer Board fired him Saturday.

The letter was read to the New Life Church by another clergyman, the Rev. Larry Stockstill, senior pastor of Bethany World Prayer Center in Baker, La., and a member of the board that fired him. Neither Haggard nor his wife, Gayle, attended.

"For extended periods of time, I would enjoy victory and rejoice in freedom," Haggard wrote. "Then, from time to time, the dirt that I thought was gone would resurface, and I would find myself thinking thoughts and experiencing desires that were contrary to everything I believe and teach."

Haggard also wrote, "The accusations that have been leveled against me are not all true, but enough of them are true that I have been appropriately and lovingly removed from the ministry."

He did not give details on which accusations were true. Haggard had acknowledged on Friday that he paid Mike Jones of Denver for a massage and for methamphetamine but said he did not have sex with him and did not take the drug.

The Overseer Board, made up of clergy from various churches, used stronger language.

"Our investigation and Pastor Haggard's public statements have proven without a doubt that he has committed sexually immoral conduct," the board said in a statement.

As the letter from Haggard was read, some people in the standing-room-only crowd in the 8,000-seat auditorium wiped away tears.

In a separate letter in which she promised to remain with her husband, Haggard's wife prompted laughter when she said church members no longer had to worry about her marriage being so perfect she couldn't relate to them.

"My test has begun; watch me," she wrote. "I will try to prove myself faithful."

Said the Rev. Ross Parsley, who has replaced Haggard, "Worshippers are always challenged by crisis. And when tragedy and crisis strikes, it is at that moment that you truly decide if you are a worshipper of the most high God. And today, as the worship pastor of this church, I am very proud of you."

Afterward, in the lobby, many worshippers echoed Parsley's words. Some were angry at Pastor Ted; many were bewildered. But all said that their faith was not shaken; it was renewed. They would hold fast to all Haggard had taught them over the years, including his preaching that homosexual behavior is an affront to God.

"He believes that what he taught us is true," said Carol Groesbeck, 61.

"I don't think there's anything that needs to be re-evaluated," put in her husband, Jim, 61, an elder at New Life. "We know what we believe, but it's difficult to live that out. That's not just Ted's struggle. It's our struggle."

Jones, who said he is gay, said he was upset when he discovered who Haggard was and that New Life opposed same-sex marriage — a key issue in Colorado, with a pair of issues on Tuesday's ballot.

"I am sad for him and his family. I know this is a tough day for him, also," he said in a telephone interview Sunday. "I wish him well. I wish his family well. My intent was never to destroy his family. My intent was to expose a hypocrite."

The scandal has disappointed Christian conservatives, whom President Bush and other Republicans are courting heavily in the run-up to Tuesday's election.

Haggard, who had been NAE president since 2003, has participated in conference calls with White House staffers and lobbied Congress last year on Supreme Court nominees.