Things I learned from watching "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1": 1) Some headboards are better than others. 2) If you get pregnant on your honeymoon in Rio and some freaked-out-looking local woman puts her hand on your stomach and says "DEATH," just like that (except in, I think, Portuguese), this is not a good sign. 3) Vampire husbands are useful at packing-up time, as they move very quickly. 4) Conversely, vampires are not necessarily helpful during childbirth, due to their tendency to be distracted by bodily fluids. 5) If the highlight of your day is sipping blood through a straw from a Styrofoam cup while surrounded by your weirdly waxy, intently watching vampire in-laws, it might be time to rethink your life.

Really, is there anything left to say about Stephenie Meyer's girl-meets-monsters "Twilight" saga, now in its fourth movie (with one more to go)? Bill Condon ("Gods and Monsters," "Dreamgirls") directs this time, and anyone who was hoping that he'd throw in a few snazzy dance numbers is bound for disappointment: This is a handsomely mounted, unrelentingly grim installment, with an overriding message of Sex Can Kill You (the series' central theme).

Bella (Kristen Stewart), after three long books of resisting the tormented advances of vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson), is finally marrying him — to the dismay of werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner). After the wedding, bad luck ensues: Bella is soon carrying a wee vampire in her belly, yet determined to give birth at any cost.

"Twilight" fans should be happy, as the movie is meticulously faithful to the book and because Lautner impressively manages to remove his shirt — in the rain, mind you — approximately 12 seconds after the opening title. (The audience at the opening-night preview, for the record, was overwhelmingly Team Jacob.) The rest of us may be stifling more than a few giggles at the silly-looking CGI wolves (one of whom — is it Jacob? — looks like he's coughing up a hairball during a key scene), the melodramatic dialogue, the cast's penchant for posing attractively rather than acting, and the fact that many of the wedding guests look like Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with red contact lenses.

Despite the grittier, supposedly grown-up material here, Condon keeps things well within the PG-13 realm; as in Meyer's book, the real honeymoon action takes place off-screen. (Just how did that bed break, anyway?) And the film's final birth sequence, while undeniably bloody, is more creepy than graphic.

"Breaking Dawn — Part 1" as a whole feels stretched-out, as if the filmmakers realized belatedly that there wasn't enough material in the book to sustain two movies. (There isn't). Bella's wedding march seems to take forever, as does every scene involving Jacob — these young actors still haven't learned how to turn this material from a mopey, melodramatic saga into a love story. Meanwhile, we're left with an accidental comedy, a toothy baby and some hope that the Volturi will liven things up in "Part 2." Dawn will break soon, won't it?

Moira Macdonald: 206-464-2725 or mmacdonald@seattletimes.com