Jackie Chan aims low with 'The Spy Next Door'

I wanted to begin this review of Jackie Chan's new family comedy, "The Spy Next Door," by saying something along the lines of, "I liked this movie better the first time, when it was called 'The Pacifier.' "

The latter, a sporadically lively comedy from a few years back starring Vin Diesel as a commando-type who becomes nanny to three brats, bears a striking resemblance to Chan's new movie, in which he plays a superspy baby-sitting his girlfriend's three obnoxious kids (Madeline Carroll, Will Shadley, Alina Foley). But something gets lost in the parallel because, well, "The Spy Next Door" makes "The Pacifier" look like "Citizen Kane."

A dreary, ill-advised production that frequently looks cheap and features a largely unappealing cast (Billy Ray Cyrus as an intelligence officer — somebody shoot me), "Spy" taxes one's patience from its opening scenes. Chan plays Bob, a Chinese secret agent on loan to U.S. intelligence and hiding in plain sight as a Clark Kent-ish pen salesman.

Ready to retire from his secret life, Bob has been dating an attractive next-door neighbor, Gillian (Amber Valletta), a single mom raising a trio of monsters. Bob wants to tell Gillian the truth about himself and marry her, but the time is never right for his confession.

Meanwhile, the children appear to have unlimited freedom to treat Bob like dirt for the crime of being boring, an attitude he hopes will change when Gillian leaves town for a few days, putting him in charge. Predictably, the kids run circles around Bob, though equally predictably, he slowly gets under their skin with his attentiveness and kindness.

The exact same thing happens in "The Pacifier," but it was more fun to watch. The militantly firm yet sympathetic hand supplied by Diesel's character was the right prescription his young wards needed to feel safe and be better-behaved. In "Spy," Bob gets dissed and treated badly (locked out of the house with his arms full of bags, that kind of thing) over and over. The kids remain unlikable for most of the movie as a result.

Danger looms for Bob's charges when one of them accidentally downloads plans for a high-tech weapon. Director Brian Levant ("The Flintstones") tries squeezing laughs out of an atmosphere of silliness surrounding the spy game, especially the crazy, Boris-and-Natasha-like antics of a pair of Russians (Katherine Boecher and Magnús Scheving). Comedian George Lopez, playing Bob's CIA boss, makes an interesting impression on screen, with that craggy, lived-in face of his.

But none of those extras diminish the tediousness of "Spy." The film might offer an aging Chan (now using more and more stunt doubles) a few opportunities to shine in his ongoing bout with the physical world. But it still raises the spectacle of an international superstar in another clunky, American movie.

Tom Keogh: tomwkeogh@yahoo.com