Here's how to make Oscar more view-worthy

It's no secret that Oscar's TV ratings are in a downward spiral. Producers of this year's show, faced with last year's record-low ratings, have announced that they're making changes to the format. Presenter names are being kept secret, word is that the order of awards could change, and various kinds of tweaking are being done to some traditional elements. (According to song nominee Peter Gabriel, song performances may only be 60-65 seconds long. Gabriel, nominated for "Down to Earth" from "WALL*E," has opted out of performing at the ceremony.)

All of us who've been watching the Oscars for years have our own ideas on how to goose up the ceremony; below are a few of mine. Some are tongue-in-cheek, some aren't — but all, I think, would make for an evening more entertaining than Tilda Swinton's closet.

1. Start off the evening with this idea, borrowed from the British Academy of Film and Television Arts awards (BAFTA): A big clip montage at the beginning, showcasing great moments from the year's films. It's a fun year-in-review, and sets the mood nicely — and reminds us that there's more to the year in movies than just the nominees.

2. Elsewhere, minimize the clips, particularly in the acting categories. By this point in awards season, we've already been subjected to multiple viewings of Meryl Streep doing that scene in "Doubt" where she spits out "THOUGH I BE DAMNED TO HELL!" and clutches her crucifix. It's great stuff, sure, but I can practically recite it along with her at this point. Just read the names, show us their smiling faces in the audience, and let it go.

3. And, for that matter, let's keep the camera on those smiling faces for a little while longer, just for the masochistic pleasure of seeing somebody heavily favored putting on an "Oh, good!" expression when someone else's name is read. Not nice, I agree. But hey, these people are actors. Let's see 'em act.

4. Without question, the Golden Globes acceptance speeches are more entertaining than the Oscar speeches. This is likely because, at the Globes, the nominees sit at tables laden with ever-flowing Champagne bottles. It would be difficult for the Academy to install tables at the Kodak Theatre, but what's wrong with getting some fleet-footed waitstaff to rush up and down the aisles with drinks? (And if one tripped and emptied a bottle down someone's décolletage, that would make for good TV too.)

5. Have Mick Jagger present all the awards. This is also borrowed from the BAFTAs, except that they only had Mick do the top award. Seriously, with his funny shtick (explaining his presence at a movie-awards show, he explained that in exchange, "Sir Ben Kingsley will be performing "Brown Sugar" at the Grammys") and effortless cool, he's born to do this. And wouldn't you love seeing him perform a traditional Academy song-and-dance number?

6. A little sentiment, like the onstage gatherings of past Oscar winners, is a lovely way to recognize motion-picture history. But a little goes a long way, and such moments tend to feel draggy as we get near the three-hour mark and start running out of chips and dip. Do them near the beginning, or not at all.

7. No scripted banter. It's always, always lame. If an Oscar presenter isn't sufficiently self-possessed to make a brief, witty off-the-cuff introduction before getting down to business, he or she is in the wrong profession. A perfect example of what to strive for: Jennifer Garner, a few years back, awkwardly tripped on her gown during her entrance and immediately said sweetly, "I do all my own stunt work." That's how it's done.

8. Introduce an element of danger. I wish no one harm, but really, the viewers at home get awfully tired of watching people walk on and off the stage. Another idea from a past BAFTA ceremony: Have presenters enter upstage at the top of a high, scary ramp, which they must then descend to the podium. This is admittedly unfair to women wearing gowns and high heels, but too bad — Oscar night is not for sissies. And if host Hugh Jackman's at the bottom of the ramp to catch them, there may be no complaints.

9. Consider an important element for those watching at home: the snack break. Lump the commercials together and tell us how long they're going to be. During the segment when someone explains how Oscar voting works, show a countdown indicating how long it's going to take. Do a crawl at the bottom of the screen, such as "Best Picture in 0:34 minutes ... Tilda Swinton reveals gown in 0:12 minutes ... Mickey Rourke and Robert Downey Jr. co-present (how cool would that be?) in 0:06 minutes." Help us out.

10. And finally, the acceptance speeches. Let's not be ruthless: These people — be they sound technicians or leading actors — have just won their industry's highest award and deserve a little time to revel in the moment. But please, no list of names read in monotone from a piece of paper. In fact, no paper at all. Those able to give amusing and/or heartfelt speeches that consist of more than a litany of names should be allowed to speak as long as they wish, whether or not they are famous. Those who can't should remember the "three Gs," advised years ago on Oscar night by Paul Hogan: "Be gracious. Be grateful. Get off."

Moira Macdonald: 206-464-2725 or mmacdonald@seattletimes.com