Even Obi Wan can't save "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" from the dark side of cuteness

The new feature-length "Star Wars" cartoon is so cute that I want to hug it. Tightly. Until it stops breathing.

Even acknowledging that "Star Wars" has never been serious science fiction rather than increasingly juvenile and self-important fantasy, this one is strictly for kids — and the sort of adults that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog would eat for lunch. Also, if you thought Jar Jar Binks was annoying, meesa want you to meet a few new friends.

The story's roots are in a tantalizing reference back in the first "Star Wars" movie in 1977: Luke Skywalker's father served under Obi Wan Kenobi in the Clone Wars. But unless you have chapter and verse of the previous six movies memorized, good luck jumping in and understanding what's going on. Instead of the familiar opening scroll, there's a Gary Owens-type narrator who rattles off head-scratching exposition.

This adventure is set between events of the fifth and sixth films, "Attack of the Clones" (2002) and "Revenge of the Sith" (2005). No longer a novice, Anakin Skywalker (the voice of Matt Lanter) gets saddled with young Padawan apprentice Ahsoka Tano (Ashley Eckstein), a tiny girl with huge eyes and a tube-top who looks like a slutty Disney character. Their mission: rescue the kidnapped son of crime lord Jabba the Hutt, a baby "Huttlet" who looks like a cute, football-sized booger. Even more impetuous than Anakin, Ahsoka calls her master "Sky Guy," while he calls her "Snips" because she's snippy.

If you're thinking of cleansing your palate with some gritty Care Bears, just wait:

Meanwhile, Obi Wan (James Arnold Taylor) leads an outmatched clone army against a horde of droids and Asajj Ventress (Nika Futterman), an operative of evil Count Dooku distinctive for her bald head and twin light sabers.

Rescuing the sickly Huttlet (and at a certain point you want to shout, "Stop saying 'Huttlet!' ") figures into the big picture: Whoever wins Jabba's favor will have a key advantage in the Clone Wars. This brings Padme Amidala (Catherine Taber) to an alien-filled bar like the legendary one from 1977 where she meets the third annoying new character: Jabba's uncle, Ziro the Hutt. The inconsistency that Ziro speaks English while Jabba has had to have his Alfred-Hitchcockian mutters translated throughout the saga is minor. Compared to the fact that Ziro is some sort of performing drag queen. But cute.

Still, a lot of the 3-D animation is striking in its detail and use of light and shadow, while the stylized main characters look like old woodcut illustrations.

The lack of dramatic arc is a constant reminder that you're watching computer-generated figures zip around without even the comforting presence of familiar voices. The only actors reprising their roles from the films are minor characters in tiny parts: Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu, Anthony Daniels as C-3P0 and the great Christopher Lee as Dooku. Disappointing it is, that creator George Lucas couldn't even twist Frank Oz's arm to show up for an afternoon and do a few lines of Yoda. Read the script, Oz must have.

Further alienating: the lengthy, chaotic, repeated scenes of battle lines marching forward with clones and comic-relief droids blasting each other (Why should you care about a clone or a droid?) and really repeated scenes of Obi Wan, Anakin and Ahsoka invincibly swatting away gazillions of blaster shots. It's not like watching someone play a video game. It's like watching the animated cut scenes between levels.

Mark Rahner: 206-464-8259

or mrahner@seattletimes.com