Treasure the chest in "Fools Gold"

Do I really need to write a review of "Fool's Gold," or would it suffice just to write a haiku about Matthew McConaughey's chest? On second thought, perhaps "overexposed" has too many syllables.

The Chest, which long ago usurped the rest of McConaughey's body and launched a career of its own, is in fine form in this witless romantic comedy/adventure; unfortunately, nothing else is. McConaughey, employing his usual affable dudeness, is Finnegan, an unemployed fellow obsessed with finding a cache of 18th-century treasure lost in the sea off Key West. Kate Hudson, smiling gamely, is Tess, his soon-to-be ex-wife, who's working as a steward on a yacht owned by a millionaire (Donald Sutherland, hamming it up with a bizarro British accent) with a dimbulb socialite daughter (Alexis Dziena), and ...

Oh, for heaven's sake. You know how this story's going to play out. And if, in the midst of a gray Seattle winter, you really want to watch a gang of attractively tanned people frolic in the sun and model an impressive variety of swimwear (including, for Dziena, a high-concept bikini with suspenders that makes her look like a junior Bond Girl), far be it for me to stand in your way.

Be warned, however, that this is the sort of movie in which McConaughey gets hit on the head a lot (not that it seems to matter; Finn's pretty clueless even before he gets bopped), Hudson gets stuck being the sensible one who explains all the back story, Dziena mostly stands around smiling with her entire body and nobody ever gets sunburned. I kept hoping that Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow might show up, to challenge Finn for the treasure and share a bottle of rum and some eyeliner with Tess, but no such luck. This movie feels very generic and very, very long; after it's over, you might need a little sunscreen for your brain.

Moira Macdonald: 206-464-2725 or mmacdonald@seattletimes.com