Originally published Friday, January 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Movie review
"Teeth" has no bite or redeeming quality
Why they aren't releasing "Teeth" on Valentine's Day is a mystery, as it may be the date movie of the year — if you're a parent. Well, a psychotic parent.
Seattle Times staff reporter
Movie review 
88 minutes. Rated R for disturbing sequences involving sexuality and violence, language and some drug use. Varsity.
Why they aren't releasing "Teeth" on Valentine's Day is a mystery, as it may be the date movie of the year — if you're a parent. Well, a psychotic parent. OK, if you're the late radical feminist Andrea Dworkin.
The horror-comedy about a teenage girl with a vagina dentata — translation: teeth in her hoo-hoo — is painfully unwatchable for anyone else.
Growing up in the shadow of a nuclear plant, lovely young Dawn (Jess Weixler) has known from an early age that she has something extra down south. Now in high school, she's taunted for her "love is worth waiting for" abstinence speeches. Stickers cover female anatomy in her school textbooks. And when she goes on a double-date, the group avoids a PG-13 movie because it might show "heavy making out."
But hormones are stronger than brainwashing. It isn't long before Dawn has to deal with the reality of her burgeoning sexuality, with the horror of that mythical killer smile between her legs, and with some overly aggressive males who include her stoner perv stepbrother (John Hensley).
The movie's sensibilities and statements might have been provocative about 30 years ago. All the castrated men are rapists or otherwise exploitative scum who deserve it, and the young woman begins to find empowerment in her gift. Its writer/director, incidentally, is a dude, Mitchell Lichtenstein (son of pop artist Roy). His castration scenes aren't nearly as excruciating as his awkward timing and worse-than-obvious pacing.
Few subjects are as ripe for satire as abstinence education. But "Teeth" doesn't go the distance on that front, is laughless as a comedy and mistakes gore with horror.
Mark Rahner: mrahner@seattletimes.com
Copyright © 2008 The Seattle Times Company
'The Road' takes Viggo Mortensen to Mount St. Helens and Astoria, Ore.
Director John Woo's 'Red Cliff' is an epic whose time has come
An epic revival for 'Gone With the Wind'
At a Theater Near You: Polish, Italian festivals lead weekend's films
Movie review: Bella + Edward + Jacob = a pale 'New Moon'

PNW Magazine | Easy As Pie
A little friendly competition between professional pie-baker Kate McDermott and The Seatttle Times' Kathleen Triesch Saul is handled with great taste.
nwautos
Local riders say they've seen a surge in scooter interest in recent years, mostly from people wanting another commuting option. Seattle now ranks as o...
Post a comment
nwjobs
Post a comment
Michelle Goodman blogs about work/life balance.
Do you suffer from "sitting disease"?
Post a comment
- 'The Road' takes Viggo Mortensen to Mount St. Helens and Astoria, Ore.
- Tugboat sinks at Seattle waterfront pier
- Illegal workers quietly let go
- Child-support error costs nearly $21,000
- Vikings easily beat the Seahawks
- Craigslist adoption ad: A plea by young mother-to-be? A scam?
- Chase shrugs off loss of CD investors
- Woman stabbed by stranger in North Seattle
- Snow piles up on Cascade slopes
- Denny Triangle gains skyline, but tenants slow to come
- Illegal workers quietly let go
397 - Climate change speeds up since 1997 Kyoto accord
213 - Metro won't cut bus service after all
160 - New Husky recruit: Enes Kanter
104 - Middleton says Huskies "plan on scoring at least 50 points'' Saturday
85 - Tattoos at Mill Creek Church pierce skin, soul
85 - Seattle woman charged with knife attack on boyfriend's ex
75 - Jerry Brewer: Seahawks can't lean on the Hutch Crutch now
75 - Bellevue residents blast new bikini espresso stand
72 - UW, WSU once again meet to see who's worse
68
- Sprouts, raw fish on attorney's 'do not eat' list
- Tattoos at Mill Creek church pierce skin, soul
- Food-safety lawyer's wish: Put me out of business
- Illegal workers quietly let go
- Architects, chefs find 'kid' within to build Gingerbread Village
- Rediscovering Moab, 'the most beautiful place on Earth'
- It's possible to recover a life lost to hoarding
- Child-support error costs nearly $21,000
- 'The Road' takes Viggo Mortensen to Mount St. Helens and Astoria, Ore.
- Taste | The Great Pie Bake-off pits friends and fruit





