"The Condemned" doomed by its own brainlessness

"The Condemned" is the latest thick-skulled actioner to smash through the boardroom of World Wrestling Entertainment and provide a crossover showcase for one of the superstars in its stable of professional wrestlers.

After trundling out WWE stallions John Cena and Kane (aka Glen Jacobs) for "The Marine" and "See No Evil," respectively, loudmouthed promoter/producer and WWE Chairman Vince McMahon is betting on heavyweight "Stone Cold" Steve Austin to get stockholders excited about the new feature-film division.

If Austin had more than a blank stare, one-note delivery, a 26-inch collar and shaved cranium of pure muscle, "The Condemned" might have stood a chance at being fun in spite of its brainless brutality. Then again, there are those pesky problems of bad direction, nauseating flash zooms and zigzagging handheld camerawork, not to mention a derivative script that's oblivious to its own irony.

Riffing off the plot of "The Most Dangerous Game" and the horrific Japanese movie "Battle Royale, "The Condemned" pits 10 convicted murderers against each other in a "last-man (or woman) standing" match staged on an isolated jungle island. The cast of international criminals were purchased from corrupt Third World prisons by sleazy reality-TV producer Ian Breckel (Robert Mammone) to battle in a performance streamed live over the Internet for just $49.99.

Breckel all but twirls his mustache imagining $49.99 times a global audience of 40 million for his "live snuff film," as one character puts it. This ultimate piece of voyeuristic amusement covered in real time with 400 cameras placed to capture all the action will last 30 hours, after which any remaining players will blow up real good, thanks to GPS-enabled explosive anklets.

All this could have made an intriguing premise filled with satiric irony. But as soon as any opportunity for wit arises, ultraviolence takes over.

Insinuations about justice vs. injustice, covert "black ops" and the war on terror are dropped willy-nilly, but the movie is too dumb to make them sardonic, opting instead for high body counts and insulting obviousness.

"This is not war; this is television. It's much more complicated," says the program's chief technician (Rick Hoffman, one of the only actors with the talent to add any character depth). But it's not TV, and it's not the 21st century either, as far as Breckel seems to know. "Trust me," he says "The Internet? It's wildfire." Quick! Alert the old media!

Austin plays a mysterious Texan named Jack Conrad whose fate is as rigged as a pro wrestling match. Conrad is meant to be more than meets the eye but remains annoyingly stone cold.

For the intended audience of WWE fans, "The Condemned" might make an alternative to a bout of boneheaded home entertainment when there's no "SmackDown" or "WrestleMania" on cable pay-per-view. They'd still be better off waiting for the DVD to enjoy this torpid turkey, which is probably how it should have debuted anyway.

Ted Fry: tedfry@hotmail.com