"I'll just wait up here," says the real-estate lady, as her young clients descend the steps to the dark, forbidding basement of the House With an Evil Past. Um, can we wait with her? Better yet, couldn't she show them a nice quiet rambler down the street instead?

No, this is "The Amityville Horror," and we all know, alas, what this means: that the real-estate lady is, by far, the smartest person that we're going to meet in this movie's mercifully brief 89 minutes. In this dopey remake of the equally dopey 1979 film (in turn based on a famous real-life haunted-house story that may or may not be a hoax, depending on which Web site you read), the Lutz family flees their new home after 28 days of creepy noises, blood oozing from lightbulbs, ghostly little girls left over from "The Ring," and general antisocial behavior from dad George (Ryan Reynolds), who appears to have watched "The Shining" too many times and is having way too much fun with his ax.

(Perhaps they were also driven out by the fact that nobody in this family seems to flush the toilet. Based on a couple of bathroom scenes, it's true — they really don't. Twenty-eight days seems impressive under these circumstances.)

Movie review

Showtimes and trailer

"The Amityville Horror," with Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George, Jesse James, Jimmy Bennett, Chloë Grace Moretz, Rachel Nichols, Philip Baker Hall. Directed by Andrew Douglas, from a screenplay by Scott Kosar, based on a screenplay by Sandor Stern and the book by Jay Anson. 89 minutes. Rated R for violence and terror, sexuality, language and brief drug use. Several theaters.

The original "Amityville Horror" movie, a big hit in its day, was noteworthy mostly for the astonishing '70s hair on star James Brolin — it was enormously feathered and swoopy, like his head was about to take flight. Now, in Andrew Douglas' update, the real star is Reynolds' glistening, sculpted abs, which get shown off at regular intervals, perhaps as an incentive to keep us in our seats.

When we're not staring at the actor's manly torso (he's always complaining that he's cold, for good reason), director Andrew Douglas treats us to numerous shots of terrified children, blood-soaked murder scenes, and a random ghost who looks suspiciously like Gollum from the "Lord of the Rings" movies.

In theory, this should all be scary, but it just isn't. You giggle at the B-movie cheesiness of it, epitomized in a character who can only be described as Lisa the Bimbo Baby-sitter. (It's also an appropriate detail that, when fleeing the house, mom Kathy — played by Melissa George — is conveniently wearing a transparent dress.) Philip Baker Hall, as the hapless Father Calloway, turns up briefly and looks embarrassed; in a key scene, he's hiding his face behind his hands — could he be snickering?

Ryan Reynolds, as George Lutz, has the James Brolin role, and beard, this time.

But this movie, like the house it depicts, seems thoroughly nasty at its core. There's something repellent about its emphasis on the tortured children, particularly the prolonged murder of a little girl in the film's prologue, and you have to wonder about the parents of the child actors: Did they really think this project was a worthy way for grade-school-age kids to spend their time?

Let us hope that this film marks the end of the "Amityville Horror" franchise — hair, abs and all. "George, I think there's something seriously wrong here," intones Kathy, days after any reasonable person would have fled to the nearest condo. As poor Father Calloway might say, amen to that.

Moira Macdonald: 206-464-2725 or mmacdonald@seattletimes.com