It'll take a tub of pop to wash down this pablum

Let's get the "Kindergarten Cop" reference out of the way up front. Anyone who's aware of "The Pacifier" already knows that its premise and even its poster are nearly identical: Throw a tough-guy action star together with kids and watch the cuteness fly.

But the concept that sort of worked for Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes a cringe-inducing misfire for Vin Diesel in this sloppy mess of a family film that's neither cute nor funny.

There's actually something creepy about the beefy, boneheaded bulk of Vin Diesel getting cozy with a gang of five kids, infant to age 17. Playing a Navy Seal assigned to protect the family of a murdered nuclear physicist, Diesel is as inept in his performance as a surrogate parent as he is an actor trying to create any chemistry with the brood of brats in his charge.

Movie review

Showtimes and trailer

"The Pacifier," with Vin Diesel, Lauren Graham, Brittany Snow, Faith Ford, Max Thieriot, Brad Garrett. Directed by Adam Shankman, from a screenplay by Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant. 90 minutes. Rated PG for action violence, language and rude humor. Several theaters.

The entirely unimportant point that creates the situation involves a secret computer program invented by the dad and hidden somewhere in the house. As leader of the failed mission that killed the father (a wild, water-based set piece that opens the movie), Lt. Shane Wolfe (Diesel) moves in and muscles his brand of armed-forces discipline and protection on the kids.

The rivalry between Wolfe and the kids manifests itself in all the unimaginative ways you can imagine. There's the high-school hottie appalled by the military stuff, the sullen adolescent boy whose sensitive soul is riled, the precocious 10-year-old girl who has tricks up her sleeve and two more tiny tots who provide most of the abundant scatological humor.

Wolfe finds himself doused in a sewer during one unpleasant episode and variously covered with doo-doo many other times, usually as the butt of practical jokes by the kids. It also turns out that a loaded diaper — a visual gag milked to its unendingly unfunny extreme — can be more powerful than a loaded gun. (Granted, kids will probably find this stuff hilarious.)

The script is by the co-creators of the very funny Comedy Central series "Reno 911!" But there's none of the wit or brainy absurdity that makes that show so much fun. Diesel is nothing more than a hulking presence and far too brutish to get misty the way he does in the final reels. Also incorporated into the movie's silly ending is a weird reminder that terrorists and the "Axis of Evil" might be right next door.

Director Adam Shankman ("Bringing Down the House," "The Wedding Planner" and the charming "A Walk to Remember") has made his own slipshod and shabbily organized load with this one.

Ted Fry: tedfry@earthlink.net