Faith & Values | Coping with our anger at the everyday irritants of life

I am not a happy camper. I just spent the past 55 minutes on the phone tracking down an attempted fraud on my credit-card account.

Let me go through the excruciating detail. I received a voice mail first thing in the morning reputedly from my credit card's fraud department. I called the 800 number. "I can't handle that. I'll need to transfer you." The phone rang. I explained what was happening. And the person said, "You have reached the Tropicana Casino in Laughlin, Nevada." Not a very encouraging start!

Then I called my credit card's general number and started all over again.

Don't forget to factor in the five- or six-minute waits each time while Muzak plays in the background. After several questions, my credit-card friend says, "No, I can't handle that. Let me connect you with our fraud department." More wait, more Muzak.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to maintain my calm, reminding myself that this person I'm talking with is kind, considerate and professional. It's not his or her fault. Take a deep breath. Patience.

Now after 35 minutes, I have the real fraud department. Start all over again. More questions. Verify the account, the address, your mother's maiden name, the last four digits of your Social Security number. Repeat all the stuff you've given twice before. You know the shtick. I'm put on hold for another five minutes while she checks out the account. OK. Deep breath. Patience.

And sure enough. There has been an unsuccessful attempt to access my account using online banking. So we agree to have my card canceled. "Your new card should arrive in five working days." At least it wasn't a wild-goose chase.

All these banking professionals have been extraordinarily patient and understanding. My anger subsides. But a question lingers. How do I handle anger in the midst of all the little irritants of my work, of clunky systems or of strained relationships?

I'm not talking here about righteous anger at injustice or of anger at being falsely accused of something. I'm not talking about the legitimate anger that helps me set a boundary and allows me to claim my own appropriate, gifted self.

Rather I'm exploring the slow, everyday simmer of resentment. Perhaps if I learn to handle the small things, I may have a chance of accepting bigger challenges.

I've found three things helpful:

Tend the relationship. Respect the people you're working with, as in the case of the credit-card persons. Remember they are diligently doing their work. In this case, they're your friends. They're protecting you from frauds attacking your bank account.

Lower your expectations. Stuff happens. The world's imperfect. And so are you. Accept it. Get over it. Don't give harbor to your anger by getting all tied up in knots. Set it free. Let it flow out to sea and dissipate. Take a good walk or a run if you need to. Have a bowl of ice cream, smothered in chocolate syrup with a few cashews. (Recommended rarely and only in dire necessity.)

Finally, and most of all, pray often. Meditate on Scripture. The Book of Proverbs from Hebrew Scripture is replete with wise sayings about anger. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1) "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fatted ox and hatred with it." (15:17) Each one of these pithy sayings is worth our meditation.

So I have a choice. I can choose to feed my narcissistic self and all its perceived hurts and grievances. Or I can break loose, depend on God's gracious acceptance of me as I am, and reach out and touch someone else who really is hurting or beleaguered or needs my compassion.

Fr. Patrick Howell SJ is the rector (religious superior) of the Jesuit Community at Seattle University and professor of pastoral theology. Readers may send feedback to faithcolumns@seattletimes.com.